'What The F*ck Is Wrong With That Gerbil?' Ask Zoologists

A NEW species of mammal, described as a 'weird-looking gerbily thing with a massive conk', has been discovered in the mountains of Tanzania.

The team, from the Institute for Studies, photographed the shrew-like animal on the forested slopes of the Udzungwa Mountains, after getting lost on the way back to their hotel.

Team leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I had just dug myself a nice neat hole, I had my copy of What Car? and I was getting ready to deposit yesterday's goat-based concoction, when all of a sudden this long, freaky nose pokes out of the undergrowth.

"I got a hell of a fright and shouted to my mate Dave, I said 'Dave, get the tennis racket! There's a huge nose coming straight at me and I can't move 'cause I'm having a shit!'.

"Dave comes running with the tennis racket above his head, shouting 'geroutofityadirtybastard!' but then I see that it's actually pretty harmless and just has this enourmous fucking hooter."

Dr David Hobbs added: "It started to scamper away but I managed to jump on it and grab it by the nose. It squeeked for absolutely fucking ages."

The team's mammal specialist Dr Steven McKay, said: "For such a small thing, it's actually quite big. We called it an 'elephant shrew', mainly because of the stupid nose and the big fat stomach.

"Dave wanted to call it the 'Angela Shrew' after his fat, big-nosed wife."

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Pensioner Sex Is Dirty And Wrong, Say Docs

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night. 

Most are infected with venereal disease after taking part in orgies fuelled by Viagra, lust, and an overwhelming fear of death, during which gallons of rancid bodily fluids are exchanged.

GP Nikki Hollis, 36, said she had to hit one old man with a broom after he came to her surgery and demanded she look at his weeping penis.

She said: “Another woman came in and asked me to inspect her leathery parts, but as soon as she removed her huge knickers and I caught a glimpse of her low-hanging flaps I threw up in my bin.”

Dr Hollis added: “What pleasure can any man get from having sex with a woman who can tie her tits in a bow behind his head?”

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, suggested that older people were carrying on with sex because they were not aware that it was comprehensively disgusting.

He said: “We think it might be something to do with their lack of teeth. Unfortunately the team I assigned to measure them while they were at it were forced to claw their own eyes out.

“Conversely, when I recently spent an evening sitting on the end of a bed while a pair of gorgeous 20 year-old girls made love to each other for hours, I found it a joyous, life enhancing and incredibly wet experience.”