‘What The F*ck Is Wrong With That Gerbil?’ Ask Zoologists

A NEW species of mammal, described as a 'weird-looking gerbily thing with a massive conk', has been discovered in the mountains of Tanzania.

'I'm having a shit!'

The team, from the Institute for Studies, photographed the shrew-like animal on the forested slopes of the Udzungwa Mountains, after getting lost on the way back to their hotel.

Team leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I had just dug myself a nice neat hole, I had my copy of What Car? and I was getting ready to deposit yesterday's goat-based concoction, when all of a sudden this long, freaky nose pokes out of the undergrowth.

"I got a hell of a fright and shouted to my mate Dave, I said 'Dave, get the tennis racket! There's a huge nose coming straight at me and I can't move 'cause I'm having a shit!'.

"Dave comes running with the tennis racket above his head, shouting 'geroutofityadirtybastard!' but then I see that it's actually pretty harmless and just has this enourmous fucking hooter."

Dr David Hobbs added: "It started to scamper away but I managed to jump on it and grab it by the nose. It squeeked for absolutely fucking ages."

The team's mammal specialist Dr Steven McKay, said: "For such a small thing, it's actually quite big. We called it an 'elephant shrew', mainly because of the stupid nose and the big fat stomach.

"Dave wanted to call it the 'Angela Shrew' after his fat, big-nosed wife."