Your Baby Is Not As Pathetic As You, Say Experts

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

Research has revealed that many parents have already decided their child will suffer from the same made-up food allergies they do.

And a recent study showed that 65% of GP visits were the result of parents believing their baby is developing a Coco Pops intolerance because they have a great aunt who is hypoglicemic.

But now scientists say there are other factors that cause babies to become feverish, develop a rash or shit themselves up to 18 times a day.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's because they're babies."

He added: "If your baby is developing in a perfectly normal way, try to not jump to the conclusion that it must be suffering from that corned beef allergy you read about in Take a Break.

"Also, if you think that you may have an intolerance to cheese, black pudding and Greggs pasties, don't assume that your baby is also going to be a delusional, self-absorbed halfwit.

"The best thing to do is wait until you have finished breast feeding and then either give the baby to Barnardos or leave it outside a big, posh house."


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DSS To Fund Liverpool Take-Over

LIVERPOOL fans have launched a bid buy their beloved football club, backed by millions of pounds from the Department of Social Security.

The supporters have put together a complex financial structure made up of 25% genuine welfare payments alongside a mixture of fraudulent incapacity and unemployment claims.

Supporters spokesman Wayne Hayes said: "Between us we reckon we can raise about £500 million, especially as it's been such a cold winter. The number of folk who've come down with a sudden case of rheumatoid arthritis is shocking.

"The DSS provides us with a secure source of funds and if anyone starts asking questions we've got 45,000 sick notes sitting in a warehouse in Bootle."

"This is a major step forward for the club and the city. We did originally plan to steal it but we couldn't find anywhere to keep the main stand as most of the garages round here are full of mountain bikes."

He added: "As far as you're concerned, I haven't worked in 12 years, alright?"

Under the plan the club would be run by an executive committee, elected by the supporters and given the right to swipe a range of quality goods from the office, the boardroom and the club shop.

The first team squad will also have to sign new contracts requiring them to go to supporters' pubs every Saturday night and be told why they will never be as good as Emlyn Hughes and Jimmy Case.