Your Baby Is Not As Pathetic As You, Say Experts

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

Doctors have stressed, however, that babies are allergic to large piles of rat faeces

Research has revealed that many parents have already decided their child will suffer from the same made-up food allergies they do.

And a recent study showed that 65% of GP visits were the result of parents believing their baby is developing a Coco Pops intolerance because they have a great aunt who is hypoglicemic.

But now scientists say there are other factors that cause babies to become feverish, develop a rash or shit themselves up to 18 times a day.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's because they're babies."

He added: "If your baby is developing in a perfectly normal way, try to not jump to the conclusion that it must be suffering from that corned beef allergy you read about in Take a Break.

"Also, if you think that you may have an intolerance to cheese, black pudding and Greggs pasties, don't assume that your baby is also going to be a delusional, self-absorbed halfwit.

"The best thing to do is wait until you have finished breast feeding and then either give the baby to Barnardos or leave it outside a big, posh house."