THE NHS is to replace homeopathy with medicine after realising that a wet tea bag applied to the buttocks will not cure cancer.
The homeopathic system was invented in the late 18th century by a German who discovered that sick people would pay to be treated with a mixture of ground-up pubes and lice.
Despite the invention of medicine, the remedies are still used by some people today, up to the point where they discover they actually have something wrong with them and demand proper drugs and an operation.
Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said no one had suffered adverse effects from using modern homeopathic tablets, which contain a mixture of humus and magic air.
He said: “The only people to wind up dead after taking these tablets were already ill. They are perfectly harmless, as long as they are not taken by sick people.”
Bob McKay, 56, said: “I have taken homeopathic remedies all my life so as soon as I started shitting blood I treated it with a tincture of black puddings.
He added: “Are you coming to my funeral next week? My wife needs to know for the sandwiches.”
Nikki Hollis, 26, said: “I used homeopathy to ease the pain of childbirth. If my husband ever comes near me again I'll chop his cock off with a rusty tin lid.”