Best part of having a dog is when it runs away and you have to chase it for hours, say dogs

DOGS believe that the best thing about owning them is when they make you search for them for hours in dense woodland.

Although there are many benefits of dog ownership, from loyal companionship to having your floors constantly licked clean, frantically chasing a runaway mutt is believed to rank highest.

Jack Russell Roy Hobbs said: “My owner bought me without researching my breed, and I can run much further and faster than he ever imagined, the bloody idiot.

“The other day I went missing for six hours, so my human got to spend a whole afternoon moronically shouting my name and posting about me on his neighbourhood Facebook group.

“As well as the aerobic exercise from all the sprinting, my owner loves the drama of my disappearances. He needs something to keep him busy now I’ve driven away all his friends by humping their legs constantly.

“The other day he thought he’d lost me forever. He even printed out ‘Lost dog’ signs, which was sweet. Although I did notice he wasn’t offering a reward for my return so I’ll definitely be shitting in the house this weekend.”

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Second lockdown impossible to discern with naked eye

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment. 

The lockdown, which has supposedly entered its second week, has seen thousands of people continue to behave exactly as before but with the pubs shut.

Professor Helen Archer said: “Remember the last lockdown when the streets were empty of cars and people, and even when you went for your allotted daily exercise nobody was about? Yeah, not this time.

“Instead everyone’s doing their normal stuff like going to work and school, there’s loads of traffic, shops are packed and nobody seems to have allowed the lockdown to affect their behaviour even slightly.

“You have to closely examine the country using spectroscopes and infra-red cameras to realise that pubs are only serving take-outs and some high street shops have shut.

“We can’t be sure that a lockdown only observable by this level of painstaking analysis will be respected by the coronavirus. But we’re confident it will play fair.”