My morning routine, by a woman who is lying

HOW you start the day has a huge impact on your life. I’m here to tell you, in barely credible terms, how to begin yours in the best, most bullshit way.

I wake up naturally at 5am, which means I see the finest part of the day when lesser humans are still snoring disgustingly. After a quick 60-minute gong meditation, I begin my coffee-making ritual, which involves both dance and stillness.

While the coffee is brewing, I drink a disturbingly green smoothie containing nutrients that are 97 per cent algae-based, which I genuinely enjoy even though it tastes like it has been pumped out of a decrepit septic tank.

I enjoy my coffee while focusing on my long-term financial, spiritual and sexual goals, before chanting affirmations into an ornate Vietnamese mirror. I always do this stark naked to fully appreciate my incredibly buff body.

After my coffee and a phone call with my guru, I perform a 90-minute yoga sequence before taking a long soak in a goat’s milk and turmeric bath.

From there, I air dry while doing tai chi on my roof terrace, overlooking an ocean. All that is left to do after that is a quick trip to my infra-red sauna, to blast out the last toxins, before sitting down for my usual delicious breakfast of egg whites and raw broccoli.

Life is so much easier and more enjoyable when you give yourself the time to really fanny about in the morning. I hope that by sharing my own truly unbelievable routine, I will inspire you to make up your own.

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Public school dickhead calls everyone by their surname

A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop. 

Tom Logan, who refers to himself exclusively as ‘Logan’, refuses to use anyone’s given name even when told to, repeatedly, by everyone he meets.

He said: “Oi, Hargreaves! Fletcher’s talking a load of cock about this night out in January not happening? Set him bloody straight.

“Yeah, Smithson, Ramsey and me are organising it, soon as the lockdown’s over, and we’ve already invited Galley, Woodhouse and Radcliffe. It’s going to be legendary.”

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Or John, Colin and Angela, as their friends call them. And as everyone else calls them. Apart from Tom.

“I get that they do it at public school, even shit minor ones like he was at. But he hasn’t been at school for 18 years and everyone out here hates it.”

Logan said: “That Tomlinson moaning again? She’s f**king hilarious. Her first name? Don’t make me say it. It makes me feel weak.”