Cats to be main food providers post-Brexit

DOMESTIC cats are set to provide over 50 per cent of British meals in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

If ports are blocked and supermarket shelves empty it will fall to Britain’s felines to show some Dunkirk spirit and bring their owners a tasty bit of sparrow.

Cat owner Donna Sheridan said: “I used to be furious about Mr Boots bringing in dead animals, but that was before anyone had heard of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

“Now he’ll be doing his bit for the household food supply. We’ll be sitting by the cat flap, stomachs rumbling, grateful for anything he brings in of an evening. 

“Mice, dead birds, the odd rat if we’re lucky, perhaps a wood pigeon for Christmas dinner. And, much as I hate to say this, if things get really desperate there’s always Mr Boots himself.

“I always wondered why he used to stare at us in that superior way of his, as if he knew something we didn’t. Now I know.”

Mr Boots said: “You mess with highly integrated modern supply chains and just-in-time deliveries at your peril. Right, who fancies a decapitated mouse?”