Saturday, 7th December 2019

How to survive the dreaded 'hangxiety'

DID you drink so much last night you feel like you’re going to drown in a black swamp of alcohol-induced guilt and shame? Here’s how to get through it.

Promise yourself you’ll never drink again When you feel as if your blood has been replaced with pure angst, you’ll swear to become a teetotal hermit if you’re allowed to feel better. This promise will last exactly until tomorrow, when a pint will seem like a great idea.

Turn off your phone After replying to messages from anxious friends asking what happened to you after you climbed on a table in a pub that wasn't even doing karaoke, turn off your phone so you don’t have to see the grisly photographic evidence they are dying to send you.

Distract yourself Pop on a film to blot out nagging questions of exactly how much of a dickhead you were last night. Keep it light - things like Requiem for a Dream will probably make you top yourself. Alternatively, go very dark, such as Se7en, and reassure yourself you’re not as bad a person as Kevin Spacey.

Go outside All you’ll feel like doing is lying in bed marinating in paranoia and anxiety, but it’s best not to wallow. Get out there into the fresh air, and head straight for the nearest pub because ‘hair of the dog’ is all that’s going to shift this fucker.

Or just go back to sleep If you sleep through the whole sorry experience you can get right back on it again the next day. That’s if your hangxiety hasn’t made you strangely wide awake for your sins.