How to survive the dreaded 'hangxiety'

DID you drink so much last night you feel like you’re going to drown in a black swamp of alcohol-induced guilt and shame? Here’s how to get through it.

Promise yourself you’ll never drink again
When you feel as if your blood has been replaced with pure angst, you’ll swear to become a teetotal hermit if you’re allowed to feel better. This promise will last exactly until tomorrow, when a pint will seem like a great idea.

Turn off your phone
After replying to messages from anxious friends asking what happened to you after you climbed on a table in a pub that wasn’t even doing karaoke, turn off your phone so you don’t have to see the grisly photographic evidence they are dying to send you.

Distract yourself
Pop on a film to blot out nagging questions of exactly how much of a dickhead you were last night. Keep it light – things like Requiem for a Dream will probably make you top yourself. Alternatively, go very dark, such as Se7en, and reassure yourself you’re not as bad a person as Kevin Spacey.

Go outside
All you’ll feel like doing is lying in bed marinating in paranoia and anxiety, but it’s best not to wallow. Get out there into the fresh air, and head straight for the nearest pub because ‘hair of the dog’ is all that’s going to shift this fucker.

Or just go back to sleep
If you sleep through the whole sorry experience you can get right back on it again the next day. That’s if your hangxiety hasn’t made you strangely wide awake for your sins.

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Me not getting what I want is a f**king emergency, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has announced that any situation where he does not get what he wants immediately is a national emergency.

After threatening to declare Congress not agreeing with him a national emergency, Trump now wants the same status for his hamburgers being late, the media ‘disrespecting’ him and soiling himself.

He said: “No wall, that’s an emergency. No Trump Tower in Yellowstone Park, that’s an emergency. When they don’t serve the little sausages I like at breakfast – emergency.

“I tell you, these are gonna be real emergencies. We’re getting the blue lights fitted on every government building. And a siren. I set them off with a button next to my bed.

“When I press the button, and it’s a beautiful button, a gold button, the sirens and the lights go off, the National Guard is mobilised and I’m allowed to do whatever I want. It’s in the Constitution.

“So if there’s a Democrat-controlled Congress, an illegal phoney witch-hunt Russia investigation or if I might lose an election, it’s an emergency, okay?”

Trump added randomly: “I was in Home Alone 2. That’s the most successful Home Alone movie. They wanted me to be the star, but the kid was under contract.”