THANKS to the government the twat pool at weddings is temporarily a little shallower. However, you’ll still find the following people at every single wedding:
The hip flask man
The hip flask man – it is always a man – believes himself a raconteur and doesn’t see the issue with bringing a small amount of booze to a place that has a large amount of booze. An utterly pointless action from an utterly pointless person. You’re not Dean Martin, you’re a bellend.
The cryptocurrency enthusiast
Previously the buy-to-let property enthusiast, and before that the collectible toy enthusiast, this twat will tell you all about their investments even though you didn’t ask. To exit the conversation simply ask them to explain the blockchain, and leave when they look down at their phone to Google it.
The sad cousin
Haunting the wedding like a ghost, the sad cousin will attempt to talk to you about their latest miserable break up. Luckily, this sack of glum will disappear at around half-eight, so all you have to do is last until then without engaging. They’ll try and catch your eye. Be ruthless.
The overprotective bridesmaid
The overprotective bridesmaid behaves like the PA for a New York fashion mogul and has taken it upon herself to keep everyone away from the bride. She’s not Imelda Marcos, she’s just some woman that got married, so take your five-minute slot at 9.15pm and shove it up your arse.
The banter friend
‘Should have come on the staaaaaag,’ they say, and you know that you were right not to go. They’ll hint at sex, drugs and crime; you’ll wish they got hit by a car. The ‘Why weren’t you at the hen?’ version is just as bad, if not worse.