Dinosaurs sounded like Scousers, say experts

THE steaming Jurassic jungles were alive with the sound of dinosaurs that sounded like aggrieved Scousers, paleontologists have claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, has examined the throats of major breeds of dinosaur and insists they would have produced a noise similar to a rusty wheel spinning in a tuba full of phlegm.

His theory, confirmed by Wikipedia, suggests the extinction of the dinosaurs may have been caused by mass suicide after the giant creatures could no longer bear to listen to themselves.

Professor Brubaker said: “Dinosaurs existed for 160 million years. So anyone who’s used the Euston to Liverpool train – a journey time of just three hours – can fully appreciate the true horror.

“The primordial plains would have sounded like the outside of Yates’ Wine Lodge after last orders.”


He added: “Dinosaurs have been portrayed as slow-moving, dimwitted and prone to shitting where they stood. But most were sneaky, vicious bastards that would wreck your house and bite your face off if they weren’t behind bars.

“Like Bootle on a Saturday night.”

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Reality Altered To Suit Wikipedia

ENTIRE cities are to be moved and species made extinct to correspond with what it says on Wikipedia, it was confirmed last night.

The website has hired a 'Truth Team' consisting of genetic engineers, demolition experts and people with ESP, who will alter reality to suit the whims of anyone with an internet connection and something to press against the keys.

In accordance with Wikipedia's new status as the arbiter of reality, Paraguay will be moved to Wiltshire, tortoiseshell cats will be given magical powers and all the guinea pigs must die.

Academics and scientists have decided they can no longer be bothered to counter the information disseminated by the online encyclopaedia written by people who spell encylopaedia 'blgkfo1feOOg'.

Daniel Lethbridge, Professor of Knowledge at Oxford University, said: "Although much of the information on Wikipedia – such as 'bats fly upside down' and 'all dinosaurs were from Liverpool' – is completely 'wrong', we've decided to just give up and hand custodianship of facts over to the morons.

"Have you ever been to a corporate 'creativity' seminar where some oily goof on a grand a day tells you there's no such thing as an incorrect opinion? Well, that what the world is like now."

John Robins, a restaurant worker from from Swindon, said: "I logged onto the site and wrote an entry about Adrian Chiles having a frog's vagina on his forehead. It was very noticeable on the One Show last night."

He added: "It seems that I am now God. Fear me."

Film director, Guy Ritchie, said: "I've just posted a Wiki entry asserting that Guy Ritchie's film RocknRolla is a timeless classic which provides a stimulating and exhilarating cinematic experience. Be interesting to see how the Truth Team handles that one."