Record Increase In TV-Watching Stomachs

BRITAIN has hit a 50-year high in the production of television-watching food consumption units.

According to the Office of National Statistics (ONS) an extra 791,000 units were activated in 2008 while 509,000 were switched off.

The UK also saw a net increase of 118,000 foreign units who were no longer responding favourably to the television and food in their country of activation.

An ONS spokesman said: "There does appear to be a correlation between unit production, advances in televisual innovation and the perfection of tubed food.

"The previous record was set in 1962 shortly after the invention of situation comedies and squeezable cheese."

Sociologist Dr Tom Logan said: "It seems the units want to produce their own units to share in the bounty of celebrity-based dance programming and a constantly expanding range of minced, reheated animal parts.

"Meanwhile more units are determined to remain active for longer so as not to miss out on the latest developments in Freak-o-Vision.

"And they are able to successfully postpone their deactivation date by using a new generation of pharmaceuticals designed to limit the damage caused by prolonged animal tube consumption."

But Emma Bradford, a stand-alone unit from Peterborough who has combined with three different units to produce three additional units, said she was worried about all the foreign units.

"It is only a matter of time before we will be forced to watch their television programmes and consume their spicy microwaved meat bags."

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Parents Confirm Existence Of Bedroom-Based Psychotic Clowns

A MAJOR study has confirmed the existence of salivating, murderous clowns lurking under the bed of every child, Britain's parents said last night.

New research suggests the evil circus-performers are easily enraged by tantrums, demands for glasses of water and not allowing mummy and daddy to watch The Wire in peace.

Tom Logan, a parent from Grantham who commissioned the research, said: "Our results confirm that fang-toothed psycho-clowns will tear your arm clean off and then eat it.

"So terrifying are these homicidal knife-weilding maniacs that they now pose an even greater threat to our children than the naughty step."

Logan said the clowns look like Liza Minelli if her head had been covered in glue and then dipped in a bucket full of razorblades and teeth.

He added: "They can become especially alert if there is rhythmic squeaking noise coming from the bedroom of a parent.

"I suggest any child who hears this noise should stay exactly where they are. It should only last about 10 minutes, maybe 15 if daddy's had quite a lot of grown-up juice."

Jack Barnes, a six year-old from Knutsford, said: "I was a very noisy boy until daddy told me the story of Bobo the Slasher who lives under my bed.

"He said that if I refused to eat my tea or if I asked to go pee-pees after bedtime then Bobo would put me in a giant food blender and Supernanny could go fuck herself.

"I'm a good boy now."