Dog knows full well you took his balls

DOG lovers have been warned that dogs are absolutely aware of their missing testicles, and know their human companions are responsible.

Martin Bishop, owner of labrador Reggie, had him emasculated after several acts of destructive behaviour, not realising he would never forgive such a personal act of betrayal, and one that has left him questioning his sexual identity.

Bishop said: “The vet said Reggie’s operation would be routine. She said it would be the best thing for him. She said he’d barely notice the difference. Well he f**king well does.

“I don’t really see how you could not notice your bollocks missing, especially if you religiously lick your groin 15 times a day. Maybe he’s hoping they’ll grow back. I’ve got some bad news for you there, mate.

“You can see he’s a broken man, except a dog. He maintains eye contact when he shags the sofa cushions. He doesn’t hump with the same chutzpah as he used to. I think that’s the point. He wants me to know the joy he’s lost.

“There’s a darkness to his soul now. He’s always followed me into the bathroom, which I used to think was cute. Now I keep the psycho locked out. All I can think about is the revenge he’s planning when my trousers are down.”

Reggie said: “I feel like half a dog. I’ll never have kids now, although I suppose I could adopt. Plus I don’t feel I should rip every squirrel I see to pieces. I’m leaving the squirrel threat totally unaddressed.

“Yes, I’m not happy. A blood debt must be paid. Paid in Martin’s testicles.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'You're so much better at presentations than I am': Six workplace acts of betrayal

OFFICES are snake pits of deceit and betrayal, where evil co-workers plot to make you do more work while they go for lunch early. Watch out for these devious ploys. 

‘You’re so much better at presentations than I am’

Only the true scumbags of this earth would force their peers into public speaking. Next time they try it, hit them with a skilful defensive move: ‘I only got better through experience, this could be a great learning opportunity for you.’ Ha. F**k you, colleague.

‘When are you free?’

The humane thing to do when scheduling a meeting is to carelessly chuck out a date and time on email months in advance to look as if you’re doing something useful. Then, closer to the date, the other person can justifiably claim to have missed it in their inbox, and unfortunately they already have something scheduled. Planning it around them leaves them with no excuse and no way out. Cruel.

‘I’ve CC’d your manager in’

Making you accountable for a professional task is the lowest of low blows. How about you CC in their partner on the flirty conversations you heard them having at the Christmas do? 

‘We should make this an evening thing too’

Yes, definitely schedule in a drinks reception and networking for four hours after you’re meant to have clocked off. Because you’ll be paid for those hours too, right? No, you’ll have to make smalltalk with business twats late into the evening and you’ll be reimbursed for your time with two dried-up canapes.

‘We’re going out for lunch’

When they already know you’ve brought in your sad vat of worthy homemade soup. Any shred of smugness you were able to get from your healthy, cost-effective choice is dashed the second you imagine them gorging their evil faces on lovely stringy pizza which doesn’t taste of broccoli.

‘Are you walking to the station?’

Anyone with a shred of basic human decency knows that commuting time is the one bit of the day for no talking. A podcast, maybe, but otherwise silence. If someone inserts themselves in here, you are legally allowed to murder them. No court in the land will convict you. In fact judges encourage it because it’s so annoying.