Five movie dogs that put your piss-lazy hound to shame

EVERYONE thinks their beloved pet dog is special. Although the lazy little bastard hasn’t achieved even half as much as some of these famous dogs. 

Lassie, from Lassie

The quintessentially helpful movie dog, alerting its owners to fires, storms and people trapped in mines. This dog performed every function of the emergency services. Your dog, on the other hand, often appears to be confused by its own farts.

Beethoven, from Beethoven

The St. Bernard in Beethoven essentially becomes the surrogate father of a family of three and helps break up a crime syndicate dealing in stolen animals. The next time you’re washing your mutt’s piss from your carpet, stop and consider just what it’s bringing to the table.

Toto, from The Wizard of Oz

Toto not only helped free his owner from imprisonment but also revealed the Wizard of Oz to be little more than a con artist. Without wishing to cast aspersions about your dog’s abilities, if you do ever end up imprisoned, it’ll be a frustrating wait if you’re expecting your hound to come and free you.

Buddy, from Air Bud

Look, you may have a certain fondness for your own dog, but look at it now – perhaps licking itself – and ask: ‘How many slam dunks has my dog performed in its life?’ The answer is ‘none’. Your dog therefore can’t even hold a candle to Buddy and his on-court exploits. 

Jack, from The Artist

This dog was, in many ways, the emotional glue that held one of the most acclaimed movie’s of the 2010s together. As a result the movie won five Academy Awards. Your hound almost certainly doesn’t even have an IMDb page, let alone one as decorated as this terrier’s.

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They offer you instant coffee, and other ways to tell the in-laws think you're common

DO your in-laws think you’re too common for their beloved offspring? Here are some subtle ways they’ll let you know.

They give you instant coffee

Although they’re definitely the type of people who have an Oliver Bonas cafetiere, it’s hidden away in a cupboard when you come round in case you break it with your common, oafish hands. You get a mug full of Kenco because it’s all your unrefined palette deserves.

They take you for Sunday lunch at a Harvester

Your partner’s parents’ ideal spot for Sunday lunch is a discreet little Michelin-starred farm-to-table restaurant in a nearby village. They’re not wasting that on you though, so they’ll grit their teeth through a Harvester Sunday dinner because they think you’ll find the salad bar sophisticated.

They’re weirdly interested in where you went to university

They can no longer judge people based on whether they went to university or not as they’ll let any pleb in nowadays. Instead they’ll ask endless questions to reassure themselves you went to Oxford University rather than Oxford Brookes and then look down on you anyway when they discover you got there from a state comprehensive school.

They shop at Aldi when you come for Christmas

The first time you came for Christmas you were served a Heston Blumenthal sherry and balsamic vinegar figgy pudding. However, once your partner’s parents learned you’d spent every summer holiday in a static caravan in Ilfracombe, all you got was a slice of Aldi arctic roulade and a satsuma.

They try to dissuade you from marrying their child

Every parent enjoys embarrassing their child in front of their partner to a certain extent, but when they insist on telling you the most hideous and unattractive stories they can think of, be concerned. It’s not because they enjoy laughing at their progeny, but because they can’t bear to think of them breeding with a dirty prole like you.