Hamster banging on about wheel PBs

A HAMSTER who is obsessed with running in his wheel will not shut up about his PBs, it has emerged.

Syrian hamster Biscuit has turned into an insufferable bellend who only talks about exercise since his owner provided him and cage-mate Toffee with a new wheel.

Toffee said: “He used to chat about normal things, you know, what he was storing in his cheeks, the hundreds of children he’s fathered and eaten. But now all he shites on about is how fast he can go in that wheel.

“Whenever you look over he’s going hammer and tongs in that f**king thing. Apart from the irritation of the constant rattling and squeaking noise, it makes me feel like a lazy bastard who just flops around pissing in my wood-shaving bed.

“I get that he’s nine months old now and wants to look after himself in his middle-age, but does he have to be such a bore about it? We haven’t had a good nipping-the-fingers-of-the-kids-who-manhandle-us session together in ages.”

Biscuit said: “I reckon if I could get one of those all-in-one Lycra bodysuits like athletes wear on the telly I could shave another second off.”

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The twat's guide to getting one car further up in traffic

WHILE idling in traffic, do you wish you were that twat who always manages to be slightly in front of you? Here’s how to win this tiny victory.

Use the horn

The horn isn’t just for expressing your contempt for mums and their dawdling small children on zebra crossings. Repeated blasts can also shit up the driver in front, forcing them to nervously stop or pull over and let you through. To be a more effective twat, get a horn that plays a tune so anyone within earshot will gladly accelerate out of your way.

Use the lights

Alternatively, flashing your lights will shift the car in front. It works in the fast lane of the motorway when the idle wanker in front is only doing 105mph, so why not in town traffic? For maximum effect use both the horn and lights on full beam, especially when near a hospital. Drivers will pull to one side thinking you have a medical emergency, not the personality disorder you actually suffer from. Don’t forget to thank them by flipping the finger as you burn past.

Take necessary risks

What’s the point of having a car capable of 130 mph+ if you don’t use it? Speed limits get you nowhere fast. Don’t be an ‘amber gambler’, be ‘red ahead’. Also, pavements and grass verges are urban hard shoulders, so test out your suspension by bumping along them. And don’t let a bus stop or lay-by go to waste – sneakily try to edge past other vehicles in them even if it’s way more trouble than it’s worth. You don’t see Lewis Hamilton waiting patiently behind Billy Brakelights in F1, and neither should you.

Try gentle encouragement

Is that tiny Fiat 500 blocking the road? Forget your usual intimidatory tailgating, give them a gentle nudge. It’s not like it’s a match for your single-decker-bus-sized Range Rover. If space permits, give the little shit a side-nudge whilst hurling unwarranted abuse, and take your rightful place one car up, before doing exactly the same to the next vehicle, unless it’s another macho driver with an unnecessarily large vehicle who’d love a fight with a steering wheel lock.

Don’t forget temporary traffic disruptions

Pedestrian crossings and temporary lights are a time-sapping annoyance, but useful when you need to get ahead. The red, amber and green colours on temporary lights are decorative, and like permanent traffic lights only a fool adheres to them – ask any cyclist. If the car in front stops at a pedestrian crossing take the initiative and steam past. Anyone crossing will instinctively jump out of the way and soil themselves, which makes your journey more pleasant by giving you a good laugh. 

It’s your road

You pay road tax, or the company that provides your large work vehicle does. To get ahead of Sally Second Gear in her Nissan Leaf use all of the road, ignoring those fascist lane markings. Any oncoming vehicles will respect your alpha manoeuvre and swerve out of your way. If on a dual carriageway, assert your dominance by driving across both lanes allowing no one past, like the triumphant Poundland Caesar twat that you are.