Good sex, and other things under-30s are convinced don't happen over 30

22nd September 2023

FOR young people, the idea of hitting 30 means everything is over. If you’re older than that, have a good cry, because these experiences can never happen in your remaining 50 years.

Good sex

Old people like over-30s don’t have sex. Their knees are too knackered to manoeuvre their decrepit bodies into the required positions. Instead, they get their kicks from watching Countdown and solving a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle. If they do f**k then it’s as clumsy and unsatisfying as two tortoises rutting. Anything more acrobatic than missionary is strictly off the table due to dying.

Finding ‘the one’

The window for finding ‘the one’ is between your late teens and mid-20s. If you don’t snap up a soulmate during this time then you never will. Sure, you might bump into someone vaguely compatible later in life once they’ve been through a divorce, but any affection they feel will be secondhand and built on a fear of loneliness. It’s not true love, but you’ll have the flimsy substitute of vague companionship, much like buying a goldfish.

Succeeding in any way

Have you ever seen someone achieve fame and fortune if they haven’t done it by 30? Of course not. By that point they’re too ancient to turn their life around. That’s why young people hustle and grind 24/7 to become influencers and make a stack of cash. The clock’s constantly ticking and if they haven’t made their first million by 23 they might as well unalive themselves, to use the correct TikTok parlance, which geriatric over-30s don’t understand.

Looking good

The second you hit 30 your hairline recedes, a paunch sprouts across your stomach and the cellulite kicks in. And it’s only downhill from there. No amount of healthy living or cosmetic surgery can fend off the ravages of time. In an ideal world, the over-30s would wear a hessian sack over their heads to hide their wizened features. Luckily they don’t go out much because modern pedestrian crossings and self-service checkouts are a sensory overload.

Being happy even for a second

What is there to be happy about when you’re over 30? Every piece of entertainment you used to love will be tarnished by a disappointing reboot or problematic accusations. Your ambitions have been forgotten and life is just endless toil. Even things that should bring a smile to your face like your kids remind you of the financial cost. It’s amazing all you 30+ coffin dodgers don’t just kill yourselves. There’s no way the average 20-something could have got things wrong.

Han Solo, and other iconic characters whose spare time remains a mystery

22nd September 2023

OBVIOUSLY you wouldn’t want to watch a Bond film that devotes 20 minutes to 007 getting a new Sky box, but our favourite characters’ downtime is rarely explained. Like these.

Judge Dredd

The writers of Judge Dredd have been incredibly lazy in depicting his hobbies and interests. What is he into? Birdwatching? Homebrewing? Warhammer? The fans need to know. In terms of a social life, his only friend and potential love interest is Judge Anderson, but she was entombed in a block of perspex after being possessed by the spirit of Judge Death. Oh well, back to the wanking sock.

Catherine Tramell

Sharon Stone’s foxy serial killer is ostensibly an author, although we don’t see her doing much typing or frustratedly scribbling plot notes. Possibly because authors are notoriously bad at knuckling down to work. For realism Basic Instinct should include two hours of Catherine doing displacement activities: cleaning the fridge, playing Microsoft Solitaire, making a toastie while she plans her next sexy. sexy stabbing.

Han Solo (and Chewbacca)

Han and Chewie are smugglers by trade, so even with hyperspace jumps that means a lot of time in the void of space. Yet the Millennium Falcon has no obvious sources of entertainment – no TV, no books, no holodeck, just that f**king chess game. Historians believe same-sex relationships of necessity were fairly common in the Royal Navy over the centuries, so using rigorous speculation it’s likely Han and Chewie got it on. Frequently. No wonder super-woke Disney bought Lucasfilm.

Black Widow

With spectacular creativity, the creators of Russian Natasha Romanov made her a ballerina, so maybe she keeps that up as a hobby. It’s nice she’s ‘got her own thing’ when all the other Avengers have superpowers (yeah, yeah, Tony Stark hasn’t but he’s got his suit). This can’t account for all her spare time, though. It’s possible she’s one of these high-achievers with no interests outside work, just TV and leafing through Marie Claire. People have probably invented some in their fanfic, but let’s not go there because it’s disgusting.

Selene

In Underworld Selene is obviously kept pretty busy avenging the death of her family by killing all Lycans (the franchise’s bollocks name for werewolves). But she must get the odd day off. Unfortunately she’s a vampire, and that skintight bodysuit is very unforgiving, so she probably spends all her free time snoozing in a coffin or at the gym. She’d probably be really boring if you met her.

James Bond

Bond supposedly inhabits a world of swanky casinos but you can’t afford high-stakes baccarat every night on a civil servant’s salary. So he probably does what most bachelors do: watch old action movies on ITV and nip to the corner shop for essentials. Although in the slightly unrealistic world of Bond he’d probably meet Pussy Galore while buying a Dr Oetker pizza and some Toilet Duck.

Ellen Ripley

It seems likely the crew of the Nostromo spend their free time watching videos and playing cards. But that doesn’t tell us what Ripley’s interests are when not at work. We know she really likes cats – let’s face it, most of us would not have wasted time finding a cat box for Jonesy – so it’s possible she’s a weird cat person. She’s probably got six of them at home, and tells visitors about their ‘tummy upsets’ in revolting detail. Thank God they didn’t put that in the film.