FOR young people, the idea of hitting 30 means everything is over. If you’re older than that, have a good cry, because these experiences can never happen in your remaining 50 years.
Old people like over-30s don’t have sex. Their knees are too knackered to manoeuvre their decrepit bodies into the required positions. Instead, they get their kicks from watching Countdown and solving a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle. If they do f**k then it’s as clumsy and unsatisfying as two tortoises rutting. Anything more acrobatic than missionary is strictly off the table due to dying.
Finding ‘the one’
The window for finding ‘the one’ is between your late teens and mid-20s. If you don’t snap up a soulmate during this time then you never will. Sure, you might bump into someone vaguely compatible later in life once they’ve been through a divorce, but any affection they feel will be secondhand and built on a fear of loneliness. It’s not true love, but you’ll have the flimsy substitute of vague companionship, much like buying a goldfish.
Succeeding in any way
Have you ever seen someone achieve fame and fortune if they haven’t done it by 30? Of course not. By that point they’re too ancient to turn their life around. That’s why young people hustle and grind 24/7 to become influencers and make a stack of cash. The clock’s constantly ticking and if they haven’t made their first million by 23 they might as well unalive themselves, to use the correct TikTok parlance, which geriatric over-30s don’t understand.
The second you hit 30 your hairline recedes, a paunch sprouts across your stomach and the cellulite kicks in. And it’s only downhill from there. No amount of healthy living or cosmetic surgery can fend off the ravages of time. In an ideal world, the over-30s would wear a hessian sack over their heads to hide their wizened features. Luckily they don’t go out much because modern pedestrian crossings and self-service checkouts are a sensory overload.
Being happy even for a second
What is there to be happy about when you’re over 30? Every piece of entertainment you used to love will be tarnished by a disappointing reboot or problematic accusations. Your ambitions have been forgotten and life is just endless toil. Even things that should bring a smile to your face like your kids remind you of the financial cost. It’s amazing all you 30+ coffin dodgers don’t just kill yourselves. There’s no way the average 20-something could have got things wrong.