A crack user's guide to why Brexit is amazing

BREXIT will be so good. Soft and warm and fuzzy all over. But let’s take a closer look, if you just give me five minutes to score again and then reload my pipe…

First toot
Right, so, what? Shut up? I’m talking. We won, okay? We won. The Chinese lost and now they’ve got to go home and we’ll be offered their houses as soon as they’ve gone. In fact who needs to be offered them? We’ll just take them. Boom. Yes.

Second toot
Things are getting blurry. What about freedom of movement? What about trade deals? What about the Backstop? What about the Crackstop? Yes! Let’s smoke some more crack…

Third toot
I don’t know what we’re doing any more. But thankfully neither does anybody else. Just keep scoring it, loading up the pipe and talking to a weird vision of Nigel Farage in the corner of the room until it’s all sorted out…

It’s the only natural progression, so let’s get started. Why not have another referendum where we leave Planet Earth? Who needs this fucking planet anyway? Also, I can’t feel my face.

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Child of anti-vaxxers sneaking out at night to do immunisations in the park

A CHILD whose parents are against vaccinations has been getting together with his friends at night and doing measles shots.

Tom Logan, whose mother and father think that medical science is not to be trusted, has been consuming a number of different vaccinations at night in a local park.

Logan said: “Once they’ve gone to bed on a Friday I’m straight out to meet my mates. We usually hang around on the benches or in the little hut the slide comes out of.

“Tonight we’re all getting immunised against measles. Last week we got some Polio vaccines from Amsterdam that are supposed to last for 15 years.

“Our parents would go mental if they knew. They all hate tattoos, smoking and protecting yourself against preventable diseases.

“When I come back in I spray a bit of Lynx so they can’t smell the science on me.”