No-deal Brexit will mean only three flavours of crisps

A NO-DEAL Brexit will mean that Britain’s only crisp flavours will be ready salted, salt ’n’ vinegar and cheese ’n’ onion, manufacturers have confirmed. 

From March 29th, unless an agreement is passed by parliament, fundamentally un-British crisp flavours like maple bacon, barbecue and jerk chicken will leave supermarket shelves permanently.

Brexit secretary Stephen Barclay said: “And good bloody riddance.

“We’re not against progress – plans are in place to introduce beef crisps within two years and prawn cocktail by 2025 – but there’s too much of this European filth clogging our newsagents.

“You know what I saw the other day? ‘Chilli’ crisps. Chilli. How can they be real? No wonder people are saying bad things about Churchill.

“And let me add that the salt ’n’ vinegar crisps will once again be in a blue packet, and cheese ’n’ onion restored to their rightful green. God save the Queen. As you were.”

Following the announcement Theresa May denied that Britain will be reduced to just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice-cream after a no-deal Brexit, because there will also be Neapolitan.

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'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

John McTiernan’s masterpiece tells the story of Major ‘Alan’ Dutch Schaefer as he leads a dwindling group of commandos against an otherworldly enemy with glowing green blood.

Since its release over two decades ago, Predator has been adapted into numerous stage plays, an opera and an acclaimed conceptual art installation at Tate Britain. The Collector’s Edition DVD of the film is required viewing on school syllabuses in 64 countries.

Cinema critic Roy Hobbs said: “On the form of previous unbroken success, and also because there is clearly no superior film, my prediction is for Predator to yet again sweep the board at the Oscars, including Best Foreign Language film.

“Which, by the way, is legitimate because during the film we hear Predator speak in Predator language.”

However, experts admitted that by the early 90s the masterwork made all subsequent attempts at film making irrelevant.

Film historian Nikki Hollis said: “Let us consider the scene where Dutch skewers a guerilla to a post with a throwing knife then quips, ‘stick around’.

“Or the relationship between Dutch and his old comrade Dillon, which overcomes Dillon’s initial suspicions about his friend’s newly-acquired smart clothes and ‘fucking tie business’, only to end tragically when Dillon’s arm is severed. Can this be equalled? It cannot.”

Since his 18th consecutive best actor Oscar in 2005, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been donating the annual prize to one of the distant runners-up.

Favourites this year include Denzel Washington for Predator 14: The Ballad of Billy Sole and Joaquin Phoenix for Predator v Abba.