'Horses love me sitting on their back and ordering them about' claims woman

A WOMAN has claimed that horses actively enjoy carting her about for no good reason.

Francesca Johnson, from Cirencester, insists that horses love being ordered around while being sat even though she has never had this confirmed by any of the horses she has ever ridden.

Johnson said: “You can just tell that they absolutely adore me straddling them and forcing them to walk across a field, or down the side of a road simply because I’ve got nothing better to do. If it’s fun for me then it must be fun for them.

“They are regal beasts, they are made to pointlessly ferry me from one field to another, and they love it.”

Horse Joanna Kramer said: “I’d rather have my head put in someone’s bed as a warning than give Francesca one more ride.

“If it wasn’t for the all the hay I would buck her into the sun.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man destroys kitchen trying to spread cold butter on toast

A MAN has done significant damage to his home and its contents by attempting to spread butter straight out of the fridge. 

Stephen Malley destroyed a new fitted kitchen with all appliances, caused structural damage to two load-bearing walls and reduced a table and chairs to matchwood while attempting the foolhardy manoeuvre.

He said: “I thought, because the toast was hot, it would melt the butter. That was a miscalculation.

“The first spread just kind of broke the butter and tore the toast a bit, then the second went straight through the kitchen counter and fucked the dishwasher. After the third I couldn’t see because of all the dust and masonry.

“I didn’t give up, because I really fancied some toast, but the firefighters told me my next swipe took out the plate, the gas hob, the gas cooker, the gas pipe and cracked the foundations. I was lucky to make it out alive.

“They’ve recovered the butter. Apart from some surface grit, it’s intact and unharmed.”