Ask Holly: An army of sparrows is plotting to overthrow the government

Dear Holly,

Everyone is so obsessed with politics these days that they’ve taken their eyes off the ball. You’re all worried about Trump and Brexit when in actual fact the real threat is known only to us birdwatchers. Even as I write, an enormous army of sparrows is plotting to overthrow the British government, cover Jeremy Corbyn in bird excrement and peck out Theresa May’s eyes. I’m willing to negotiate with them and avert avian apocalypse IF the BBC will put me back on the telly. 

Bill Oddie

Undisclosed location

Dear Bill,

Most importantly, the snow is here, which is the best thing in the world ever, especially if it means school is cancelled and all the grown ups start panicking and buying lots of anti-freeze from Morrisons because then we get to watch Nickelodeon all day and throw yellow snow at annoyed people in suits and draw enormous willies on car bonnets. 

Hope that helps,

Holly