Ask Holly: Can I ever escape from the fakery of 1D?

Dear Holly,

The past five years I was living a lie: constructing music out of tin foil, beef dripping and sometimes even my own faeces, just for the sake of making millions as a slave to the record label. But now I am free from 1D and all that fakery is behind me. Now I’m keeping it real on the bass clef. What I wanted to know was, should I be worried about a retrospective investigation by trading standards, and are the fans’ statutory rights affected in any way?

Zayn

North London

Dear Zayn,

As president of the unofficial Taylor Swift fan club, I have taken an official oath to always despise One Direction and send them weekly hate mail and offensive tweets. The same applies to Katy Perry and John Mayer and everyone who has ever dissed Taylor or slept with her and dumped her, which is basically everyone in the music industry except Louis Walsh. So we are really really busy as it is just me and Sharon Eccles, who I don’t really like but I go round to hers to watch explicit music videos sometimes because her mum is the only one who doesn’t know about YouTube parental controls and is far too busy watching Poldark with the living room door closed to care.

Hope that helps,

Holly