Ask Holly: Can I ever escape from the fakery of 1D?

Dear Holly,

The past five years I was living a lie: constructing music out of tin foil, beef dripping and sometimes even my own faeces, just for the sake of making millions as a slave to the record label. But now I am free from 1D and all that fakery is behind me. Now I’m keeping it real on the bass clef. What I wanted to know was, should I be worried about a retrospective investigation by trading standards, and are the fans’ statutory rights affected in any way?

Zayn

North London

Dear Zayn,

As president of the unofficial Taylor Swift fan club, I have taken an official oath to always despise One Direction and send them weekly hate mail and offensive tweets. The same applies to Katy Perry and John Mayer and everyone who has ever dissed Taylor or slept with her and dumped her, which is basically everyone in the music industry except Louis Walsh. So we are really really busy as it is just me and Sharon Eccles, who I don’t really like but I go round to hers to watch explicit music videos sometimes because her mum is the only one who doesn’t know about YouTube parental controls and is far too busy watching Poldark with the living room door closed to care.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Mourinho's fat jibes 'must be part of a sophisticated mind game'

 

CHELSEA manager Jose Mourinho’s intricate, enigmatic mind games moved up another level when he called Rafa Benitez fat yesterday.

Analysts at Real Madrid are already poring over the comments, in an attempt to decode them before they cause the team to suffer a baffling loss of form.

Benitez said: “Mourinho is like a chess grandmaster, operating so far ahead of the rest of us that we only realise what he’s up to when we’re tangled in the wreckage.

“What could these rebukes about my diet possibly mean? Is my zonal marking too wide? Is he saying that a 4-3-2-1 formation is vulnerable to a false nine and wingbacks?

“Perhaps he’s trying to trick me that Ronaldo’s best is yet to come when he’s all over. Well, you don’t fool me, Mourinho.

“Ronaldo goes on the transfer list today, for the giveaway price of £1 million. The buyer? Chelsea FC.”

Mourinho said: “From where is this reputation? I cannot tell the cleaner she is sacked without her thinking I am trying to make her fulfil her true potential and go to law school.

“Benitez is fat. He’s fat, stupid and has a beard like a crop circle, and that’s all I wanted to say.

“Or is that just what I want you to think?”