Ask Holly: Everyone laughs and calls me ‘Spreadsheet Phil’

Dear Holly,

Everyone laughs and calls me ‘Spreadsheet Phil’. But they wouldn’t be laughing if they knew the dark truth about my obsession with Microsoft Excel. Data entry makes me hot. Inserting numbers into those sexy little data fields really gets me going. Running pivots and formulae and doing that thing where you select everything in Columns D and C and make a big, colourful, mental pie chart that doesn’t really mean anything at all…….I can hardly control myself. If I could get married to Excel I would. Why do I feel so ashamed?

Philip

Westminster

Dear Philip,

NEWSFLASH: maths is for losers. Weirdos who enjoy doing clever things with numbers don’t get invited to parties because all they want to do is talk about fractions and integers and they’ve never seen an episode of Eastenders and they don’t think it’s funny to write 5318008 in their calculator which is boobies upside down by the way. 

Hope that helps,

Holly

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