Dear Holly,
Now that bint Rita Ora has slung her hook, I’m the only one left on the X Factor panel, but I don’t care, because I’ve had an excellent idea for making my next billion: it’s called Geriatric Health Complaint Karaoke, inspired by Axl Rose doing Brian Johnson sitting down with a gammy leg. Can you believe, the fans loved it? Imagine George Michael reprising Wham! with terribly high blood pressure, or Tiffany making a comeback with a walking frame? And what about Tony Hadley belting out Gold whilst having his prostate examined! Do you think I’m onto something?
Simon Cowell
Los Angeles
Dear Simon,
My daddy has loads of things called CDs, which, apparently is how people used to listen to music in the olden days. He doesn’t let me touch them because he says they won’t work with my sticky fingers all over them, but when he isn’t there I sometimes get them out and use them as a space-age hat for Barbie. If you put them in the PlayStation they actually do play music but it is really upsetting to listen to and all seems to be by sinister religious cults called M-People and The Lighthouse Family. I’m glad my father has left that terrible chapter of his life behind.
Hope that helps,
Holly
