Ask Holly: How about Geriatric Karaoke?

Dear Holly,

Now that bint Rita Ora has slung her hook, I’m the only one left on the X Factor panel, but I don’t care, because I’ve had an excellent idea for making my next billion: it’s called Geriatric Health Complaint Karaoke, inspired by Axl Rose doing Brian Johnson sitting down with a gammy leg. Can you believe, the fans loved it? Imagine George Michael reprising Wham! with terribly high blood pressure, or Tiffany making a comeback with a walking frame? And what about Tony Hadley belting out Gold whilst having his prostate examined! Do you think I’m onto something? 

Simon Cowell

Los Angeles

Dear Simon,

My daddy has loads of things called CDs, which, apparently is how people used to listen to music in the olden days. He doesn’t let me touch them because he says they won’t work with my sticky fingers all over them, but when he isn’t there I sometimes get them out and use them as a space-age hat for Barbie. If you put them in the PlayStation they actually do play music but it is really upsetting to listen to and all seems to be by sinister religious cults called M-People and The Lighthouse Family. I’m glad my father has left that terrible chapter of his life behind.

Hope that helps,


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Friend lost to aspirational bullshit

FRIENDS of 31-year-old Julian Cook fear they have lost him forever after he embraced aspirational bullshit.

Sales representative Cook was ‘a good guy’ until he discovered Range Rovers, ‘the Cotswolds’ and restaurants with Michelin stars.

Former friend Roy Hobbs said: “It’s so sad, he was a young man with interesting opinions who didn’t care if his clothes were uncool.

“Then one day he turned up at my house in a quilted Barbour jacket, talking about how he’d just ‘dropped’ five grand on a gas barbecue.

“Now he’s dead to us. Worse than dead.”

Cook’s stool at the pub now sits empty because he spends his evenings at a private gym or eating ‘dry aged’ steaks with his new friends who all like golf and rugby.

Former girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “He never took himself that seriously, and even used to read comics.

“Then he started hanging out with his managers from work, collecting wine and talking about how George Osborne was actually a good bloke.

“The final straw was the salmon pink polo shirt. I knew then that he would soon be gone from our lives.”