Ask Holly: Instagram destroyed my soul

Dear Holly,

Instagram destroyed my soul – like a dark satanic mirror it reflected back the ugliness of my unhealthy self-obsession. I’ve done a Youtube video all about me crying and wearing no make-up but I still feel lost. More worryingly, it turns out I am compelled to mime quotation marks in a very distracting way. Is all hope lost?

Essena 

Australia

Dear Essena,

My granny loves Instagram. She usually just posts photos of random old lady stuff like her friend Joyce falling asleep on a Stannah stairlift, or getting her varicose veins threaded, or buying a nice piece of corned beef in Morrisons. Granny’s friend Margaret died last week and she had a great time taking selfies with the coffin and taking atmospheric #nofilter shots of the prawn vol-au-vents. 

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Half-and-half football shirts change according to who's winning

NEW half-and-half football shirts switch their colours and design as play goes on so the wearer is always on the winning side.

The shirts begin a game split vertically between two teams, but use nanotechnology to change to the colours and crest of the winning team within .092 seconds of a goal so that the fan never suffers the pain of losing.

Liverpool fan Wayne Hayes said: “I was at the Chelsea-Liverpool with these half-and-halfers and when Ramires scored I leapt up in rage only to find myself in a sea of blue away shirts, all screaming themselves hoarse with joy.

“I had a couple of nips from the flask, convincing myself the shirts had always been blue, until just before the break when Liverpool scored and they changed back.

“By full-time Liverpool had won and I was surrounded by red shirts again, all of them singing about Mourinho being sacked. I no longer trust anything in the world.”

Manufacturer Martin Bishop said: “Now every fan can leave the stadium triumphant and victorious like they’re leaving a West End musical, and for around the same price.”