Ask Holly: My new GF Cheryl is totes on fleek

Dear Holly, 

My new GF Cheryl is totes on fleek. All I wanna do is write love songs bout her sexy AF bod and Netflix and chill wit her, can’t even. But the prob is that she was born in the 80s and can’t understand a word I am sayin TBH. 



Dear Liam,

Huge age differences don’t have to be a problem. When I was little, we had a German au pair called Valborga and she was 17. She didn’t speak English very well but that didn’t stop her from communicating with the older generation. She was supposed to take me and my sister to playgroup but what we actually did was go and sit on a bus for several hours while Valborga stood at the front and talked to the bus driver. I don’t know why she gave him a pair of her pants but maybe he was on his way to the launderette.

Hope that helps,


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Garden successfully filled with random things

A COUPLE’S garden is full of random objects including a stone frog playing a guitar and some sort of archway, it has emerged.

Teacher Martin Bishop and his wife Sarah have spent years acquiring items of outdoor tat for reasons that neither of them can adequately explain.

Bishop said: “When you’ve got a garden you feel you should put weird stuff in it. For some reason I spent a day installing an archway on the garden path, but it doesn’t lead anywhere except a rockery containing some badly moulded plastic fairies that light up.

“It’s ironic because our house is quite tastefully decorated, yet the garden is full of junk, like a metal dragonfly.

“The strangest thing is the sense of achievement now we’ve put arbitrary objects everywhere, so maybe £24.95 for a concrete rabbit pushing a wheelbarrow wasn’t a rip-off after all.”

Sarah Bishop said: “I think they pump hallucinogens into the air at the garden centre. It’s the only explanation for us putting a large fountain depicting the Greek sea god Poseidon in our pond.

“Still, the swinging garden seat is great for sitting on while trying not to spill your drink. 

“And the wooden bees on sticks are fun. Or are they? I have no idea.”