Ask Holly: My work colleague makes fun of my clothes

Dear Holly,

Someone at work keeps publicly taking the mickey out of me, and yesterday he thought it would be hilarious to make a joke about my personal style of dress. I stood up for myself and poured scorn on his childish insult with suitably dignified magnanimity, but I realised too late what I should have said was ‘say hi to your mum for me, you fish-faced pig shagger’. 

Now I’m really kicking myself, why can’t I be witty on the spot?

Jez Corbyn

London

Dear Jez,

I blame your parents. They’re too busy blowing their cash on prosecco and designer furniture from John Lewis to realise they’re totally ruining your life by buying you rubbish cheap clothes from Morrisons. Just because every piece from the Nutmeg range is fire-retardant and less than £7.99 doesn’t mean you won’t get your head flushed down the toilet when people find out the truth.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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'So-called experts' actually experts

PEOPLE who decided to ignore ‘the so-called experts’ have conceded that they did in fact have useful knowledge.

Britons with various chronic health problems and injuries have reluctantly admitted that doctors and scientists are not just trying to stop everyone having fun.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “The so-called experts are always telling you things are bad for you, and my recent lengthy spell in hospital suggests they were 100 per cent right about sausages fried in butter.

“They might be right about smoking too, so I’m going to look into that instead of staking my health on anecdotes about grandads who smoked 80 Capstan a day and lived to 105.”

Administrator Nikki Hollis said: “I’d always assumed experts just liked sounding important or were being bribed by big companies.

“However that advice about leaving a safe distance between you and the car in front turned out to be correct. I’ll definitely be telling my friends once the concussion’s worn off.”

The public is now gradually accepting that experts may have valid opinions on other subjects, such as homeopathy, angels and swimming far out to sea.

Van driver Martin Bishop said: “There’s only one sort of experts I trust and that’s UFO experts. Finding out all that highly classified government information takes a lot of work and you have to respect that.”