Father so sad he can't swear in front of toddler any more

THE father of a two-year-old has admitted wiping away tears after realising his son is no longer oblivious to his foul language. 

Tom Booker of Nantwich has promised himself he will no longer swear in front of son Ben, but describes it as “the end of a golden era”.

He continued: “I remember his innocent little baby face while I called a chair I’d stubbed my toe on a ‘fucking stupid fucking wooden bastard’.

“Bless him, he didn’t understand a word.

“But now, when I shout ‘You bellend Audi twat’ in the car and he says in his adorable piping voice ‘Twat daddy’, suddenly I realise he’s too old for these little games.

“No more rapping along to Bitches Ain’t Shit by Dr Dre on the nursery run, no more sniggering as I tell him Thomas The Wank Engine’s on.

“They grow up so quickly.”

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Clarkson apologises to cold food

JEREMY Clarkson has officially apologised to cold cuts and salads after saying they were not good enough for him. 

The former Top Gear presenter, who lost his job after repeatedly punching a parma ham while calling it a “lazy Italian shit”, has paid a six-figure sum in compensation.

He said: “I would like to say sorry, once again, to the pre-cooked meats involved in that incident and its regrettable aftermath.

“I now realise that, much as I may have fancied a full roast dinner after a few pints, by the time it had arrived I’d have stared at it woozily before returning to my room for crisps.

“If I had only considered the selection of buffet bites available, which included lemon and honey chicken skewers or tortilla chips with guacamole, the situation could have been resolved amicably.

“I would also like to make it clear that the abuse miniature pork pies have suffered since the incident, which caused them to leave Twitter, was unwarranted. They do a great job of providing convenient meaty sustenance.”

Meanwhile, replacement Top Gear presenter Chris Evans is already facing criticism after secretly-filmed footage emerged of him hitting a Scotch egg with a cricket bat.