Ask Holly: Please help me, I've just married Geri Halliwell

Dear Holly,

I’ve just got married to Geri Halliwell. Is there anything at all you can do to help me?



Dear Christian,

Making bad decisions is an inherent part of being a pre-pubescent schoolgirl. This is why I’m not allowed to drive a car or have my own bank account or advise you on a mortgage. It’s totally not my fault – it’s because my pre-frontal cortex is not yet fully developed. But there’s not much point trying to sit down and explain neurological architecture to some angry chap whose dog you just shot in the bum with a potato gun. Just run and hide, as fast as you can.

Hope that helps,


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Wonga advert features only thing more terrifying than puppets

MONEY lender Wonga has replaced its menacing pensioner puppets with even more menacing dinner ladies.

The company’s latest advert features a dinner lady looming over a tray of something disgusting.

Although she appears friendly, like all dinner ladies she is ready to force the vile mulch down your neck while holding your nostrils closed.

Hard working person Mary Fisher said: “I thought the most chilling thing in the world was creepy corpse-like puppets, but actually dinner ladies are even more frightening.

“They haunt my nightmares. I remember one looming over me with a ladle, breathing her warm faggy breath all over me as I tried not to gag on dry chunks of school-issue chocolate shortbread, aka shitlog.

“The more endearing Wonga tries to be, the more it reveals its evil sensibilities.”

Wonga sources reveal that dinner ladies were chosen from a shortlist of ‘nice things’ that included vampire babies, evil sex-crazed robots and a massive mosquito with Norman Tebbit’s head.