Ask Holly: There's a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy

Dear Holly,

My husband and I separated last year and we planned to get a divorce, but suddenly I am not so sure. Whilst I have thoroughly enjoyed being able to watch Poldark naked in a nice tidy home void of beer burps, I am really getting desperate for someone to take the bins out and there’s a load of meat in the fridge that desperately needs someone hairy and completely lacking in culinary skills to BBQ it until it tastes of soot. Should we get back together?



Dear Angelina,

When I grow up I am going to get married to myself. I know that isn’t legal just now, but considering how far we have come in modern society, who is to say that in 15 years it won’t be perfectly acceptable to marry yourself, or a tin of beans or even an abstract noun? You may laugh at my naïveté, but when was the last time you saw a tin of beans leaving the toilet seat up?

Hope that helps


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I condemn both sides of the 10p Freddo debate, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has finally spoken out about the increasing price of Freddos, saying that both sides ‘have a point’.

The Labour leader was under increasing pressure to take a stance on the frog-shaped chocolate treat, which traditionally carried a 10p price tag but has recently rocketed to 30p.

He said: “There’s wrongdoing on both sides of the Freddo debate. It’s a very sad situation. Basically, I condemn all Freddo-related activity.”

Since the announcement in March that the cost of Freddos could reach upwards of 30p, pressure has been mounting on the opposition leader to take a stance.

Following a conspicuous five-month silence on the issue, Corbyn finally spoke out, blaming the USA for destroying the world’s economy, which has had the knock-on effect of skyrocketing Freddo prices.

“The rising cost of Freddos is a result of neoliberalism and American corporate greed, which has ravaged the economy, thus causing hyperinflation, the result of which is a 30p Freddo.”

But just hours later, Corbyn U-turned on his stance, saying that, if elected, he would ensure access to free Freddos, and take care of’ all historical Freddo-related debt.