Ask Holly: What's happening up there on Earth?

Dear Holly,

It’s suddenly ever so nippy down here in Hell. All the fires have gone out, there are icicles hanging from the ceiling and even the Great Lake of Pitch has started to freeze over. I’m wearing two jumpers and some bed socks but I’m still chilled to the bone. I think there is something seriously wrong with the Satanic thermostat – what’s going on up there on Earth?



Dear Lucifer,

Everyone knows girls can’t be President of America. Girls are supposed to be Princesses. They don’t do boring mannish stuff like run a country wearing ugly suits. Princesses spend their time brushing their long golden hair, singing pretty songs and talking to woodland creatures. Once in a while we’re allowed to do empowering stuff like turn the kingdom to ice and tell everyone to get lost, but most of the time we’re just hanging about waiting for the goofy handsome prince to turn up.

Hope that helps,


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Man uses Trump victory as excuse to call ex-girlfriend

A MAN has decided the US election result is sufficiently insane to justify calling his ex-girlfriend.

Martin Bishop woke up yesterday to news of Donald Trump’s election, and thought it was a solid excuse to call his ex, Donna Sheridan, and ask her what she thought.

Bishop said, “I tried to call her after Brexit but I just got her answer machine.

Today I got through though, which has nothing to do with the fact I’ve got a new number.

I asked her if everything was OK and if she’d seen the election result and she said she had. Then there was a bit of a silence so I asked her if she’d come across that cordless drill I couldn’t find when I moved out.

She said she hadn’t, so then I asked her if that dipshit barman she was screwing now even knew what a Black and Decker was and then she hung up on me.

Fucking Trump.”