Ask Holly: Why am I such a miserable git?

Dear Holly,

Why am I such a miserable git?



Dear Jose,

Happiness comes from sweets and things made of plastic and sparkly items you see in the adverts on Channel 5. All you need to do is get a job which pays you about £21.99 a week. If you are too young to work, ask your mum and dad every half an hour for several days to give you the money and then you can get some wine gums, a Sherbet Dip Dab, some Shopkins and a Barbie and you will be happy for at least five minutes. 

Hope that helps,


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Chips ‘do not need to be cooked three times’

ONCE-COOKED chips are perfectly fine, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies decided to forego the now-standard ‘triple-cooking’ of chips and found that potatoes only need to be fried once to produce the desired result.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If you slice potatoes and fry them a single time, you get chips. Perfectly delicious chips.

“I have no idea why you’d do it twice more, unless you are some sort of imbecile.”

Professory Brubaker confirmed that even if you were deep-frying a horse you would only need to do it once.

He added: “Get oil, make hot, put thing in oil, take thing out, eat thing.

“If Heston Blumenthal told you to punch yourself in the ear would you do that too?”