Football Manager 2017 to include dicking about on Football Manager 2016

THE new Football Manager allows players to spend downtime fiddling about on a slightly older football management simulator. 

Football Manager 2017, released yesterday, enables players to run a club’s first team, reserves, and youth team then waste time between matches with a game of Football Manager 2016. 

Wayne Hayes said: “I can take a break from trying to win the Premier League with Huddersfield Town and just mess around trying to get MK Dons promoted on Football Manager 2016 instead.

“Though my manager on that is struggling to win the FA Cup with Hull on Football Manager 2015, and in that game the manager’s trying to win Serie A with Torino on Football Manager 2014, and it goes all the way down.

“34 levels deep, there’s a manager taking a break from his day job with Everton in Football Manager 2 on the Amiga by enjoying a cup run with Norwich on Kevin Toms’s Football Manager for the ZX Spectrum.

“I don’t know which one I am. I’m lost. I don’t know which way reality is any more.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bono unveils album about being a woman

BONO has released an album about his struggles as a woman.

After receiving a Women of the Year award from Glamour magazine, the U2 singer feels he is the best person to explain the challenges of being a vagina owner.

Bono said: “Being a woman gives me insights men don’t have, like how it’s more expensive to get your hair cut and the soreness caused by having a baby come out of your fanny.

“The new album, simply titled Woman, is about things like me getting shouted at by horny builders and sitting down to do a wee only to find there is wee on the toilet seat, as related in the protest song (There Is Wee) On The Toilet Seat.

“We’ve got some hard-hitting songs like The River Runs Red, about those terrible period pains that make you curl up on the sofa watching Hollyoaks while eating a whole Swiss roll.

“To experience the full oppression of women I’ve been getting Edge and the boys to criticise my reverse parking, even through I am a genius at driving.”

However Glamour magazine editor Nikki Hollis said: “This is all a big misunderstanding, there was a mistake at the trophy factory and some of ours got mixed up with the Bellend of the Century Awards.”