Ask Holly: If I lose the leadership race I might become a Victoria's Secret model

Dear Holly,

Mean people have been throwing shade on me: Tony Blair; Liz Kendall; Katy Perry. Basically they all hate me because I win all the awards for being a mad mental left winger. Me and Taylor Swift have so much in common, if I lose the leadership race I am considering becoming a Victoria’s Secret model and releasing a bitchy single about Andy Burnham. But for now, I need some tips on ignoring the haterz and those who want to pit Labour against Labour and some help in coming up with witty subtweets to bring down Blair #Chilcot #Kazakhstan

Jeremy Corbyn

London

Dear Jeremy,

I recently taught my granny all about Twitter because she got to the end of Breaking Bad and needed to fill the vacuum it had left. Unfortunately she’s had to stop using it quite soon after because she’d been maliciously trolling Mary Berry and cyber bullying Colleen Nolan from Loose Women and my parents had to intervene and delete her account before the police got involved. When it’s all died down I’ll sign the vicious old bag up for Reddit and see what pans out.

Hope that helps!

Holly

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Snow leopards everywhere

SNOW leopards are probably in your house right now, according to wildlife experts.

The snow leopard’s spotted white pelt makes it perfectly adapted for thriving in a range of habitats, from the Siberian steppes to right behind your bathroom door.

Its stealthy nature also makes it one of the world’s deadliest predators, allowing it to hide within striking distance of its prey, including sheep, hares, rodents, and you.

Snow leopard expert Joanna Kramer said: “The destruction of its natural habitat has seen more and more snow leopards moving into new territories, such as your kitchen, your sofa, and your airing cupboard, where they lie in wait for the perfect moment to leap out and maul you.

“It is statistically likely that at least one snow leopard is in the same room as you this very moment, perhaps concealed against your curtains or rug.

“If you stumble across one while dusting or vacuuming, do not attempt to resist it, as it can overpower you easily and attempting to fight back will only prolong your suffering.”