Fifa to monetize hooliganism

FOOTBALL violence has been repackaged by Fifa as an essential part of the game that fans must pay for, it has emerged.

After Leeds and Frankfurt fans clashed in Austria, the earning potential of soccer violence has led football’s governing body to soften its stance on mindless tribal thuggery.

A spokesman said: “Extra matches are being scheduled between clubs with a reputation for violence. This week’s clash between Red Star Belgrade and Millwall should be gripping, even if the football is dreadful.”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “It’s never too early to introduce kids to the magic of hooliganism, so I’ve bought one of the new family membership tickets for the Chelsea Headhunters.

“We’re all going to Italy for the Juventus match, which will be educational too because we’ll probably smash up a cathedral afterwards.”

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Apple Watch to be marketed on ability to tell wearers what the time is

THE Apple Watch is to be advertised purely as a timekeeping device, rather than a weird little computer.

After the corporation had a mysterious coughing fit while attempting to announce Apple Watch sales figures, it confirmed that a new promotional campaign would focus just on how handy it is if you need to know the time.

A spokesman said: “Forget all the other features, clearly nobody is interested. When you need to know the time fast, all it takes is one quick glance at your wrist. Because Apple Watch has got that covered.

“The screen will have the time on it, bang up to the last second. Any time, night or day, there it is. The time – Apple time.

“Knowing the time is essential for getting to a place when you are supposed to be there. Your competitors know the time – do you?”

“Watches are the future and so is time. In fact, the future is made of time.

23-year-old Mary Fisher said: “So it’s not a complicated little walkie-talkie for neckbeard men with too much disposable income. It’s a jazzy, synthetic-looking watch, like a Swatch.

“I think a Swatch is about forty quid. How much is an Apple Watch?”