Labour member has tiny Jeremy Corbyn on left shoulder and tiny Yvette Cooper on right

A LABOUR party member is constantly evaluating the contradictory advice given by the two tiny leadership candidates on each shoulder.  

A four-inch Jeremy Corbyn, dressed in angelic beige, on former steelworker Roy Hobbs’s left shoulder is counterbalanced by Cooper in a no-nonsense black trouser suit on the right. 

Hobbs said: “They’re always at it, them two. 

“I pass a homeless bloke, and Corbyn’s preaching about how the welfare safety net’s let him down while Cooper’s screeching about incentivising ambition by removing dependency. 

“I can’t buy a sandwich without Corbyn urging me to go for honest ham, cheese and pickle while on the other side Cooper’s saying the Hoisin duck wrap would send an aspirational message. 

“The only way to shut them up is to ask what they’d do about an undemocratic EU imposing failing economic policies on member states. Then you don’t hear a thing for days.”

Hobbs said that the miniature Liz Kendall refused to be seen on the shoulder of a cheap TK Maxx shirt and that a tiny Andy Burnham is living in his trouser gusset, from which he unconvincingly shouts ‘I AM A FACKIN’ LAAAAD!’. 

He added: “My sympathies are with Jeremy, hopelessly outdated and idealistic as his advice is, because he won’t get another gig after this.  

“Cooper’s already lined up a job as the good angel on a Tory voter’s left shoulder.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll put your money where your mouth is but at some point you’ll have to buy a new wallet.

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Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Keep your cool on a crowded commuter train tomorrow by hanging your head out the window like a dog in a car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
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Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
*Horoscope not actual size.