Labour member has tiny Jeremy Corbyn on left shoulder and tiny Yvette Cooper on right

A LABOUR party member is constantly evaluating the contradictory advice given by the two tiny leadership candidates on each shoulder.  

A four-inch Jeremy Corbyn, dressed in angelic beige, on former steelworker Roy Hobbs’s left shoulder is counterbalanced by Cooper in a no-nonsense black trouser suit on the right. 

Hobbs said: “They’re always at it, them two. 

“I pass a homeless bloke, and Corbyn’s preaching about how the welfare safety net’s let him down while Cooper’s screeching about incentivising ambition by removing dependency. 

“I can’t buy a sandwich without Corbyn urging me to go for honest ham, cheese and pickle while on the other side Cooper’s saying the Hoisin duck wrap would send an aspirational message. 

“The only way to shut them up is to ask what they’d do about an undemocratic EU imposing failing economic policies on member states. Then you don’t hear a thing for days.”

Hobbs said that the miniature Liz Kendall refused to be seen on the shoulder of a cheap TK Maxx shirt and that a tiny Andy Burnham is living in his trouser gusset, from which he unconvincingly shouts ‘I AM A FACKIN’ LAAAAD!’. 

He added: “My sympathies are with Jeremy, hopelessly outdated and idealistic as his advice is, because he won’t get another gig after this.  

“Cooper’s already lined up a job as the good angel on a Tory voter’s left shoulder.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll put your money where your mouth is but at some point you’ll have to buy a new wallet.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig. It’s disconcerting.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Keep your cool on a crowded commuter train tomorrow by hanging your head out the window like a dog in a car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s okay to tell kids little white lies to get them to behave themselves. Maybe even tell them they weren’t a massive mistake, if you like.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Embarrassment this Saturday as you are caught waving your hands like you just don’t care when they weren’t even in the air.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Everyone treats themselves to junk food on a Friday night. But given you live on a diet of Pot Noodle & crisps, ‘junk food’ consists of engine parts and buckets of soil.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your artistic vision is compromised today as you’re forced to leave the toilets before having the chance to add the balls to the cock you drew on the wall.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The universe loves you, cares for you and has your best interests at heart. No, really. No, I’m not laughing, I just remembered something funny.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This Friday will see your third visit to the gym this week. Hopefully your shower will be fixed soon so you can stop going.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sunday morning, sat on the sofa, the tinkling sound of children’s laughter drifting through the open window and a purring cat curled up on your lap, you realise you better get a move on and actually burgle this place.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No word from BBC1 about your medical drama starring overweight Danish doctors called ‘Molby City’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
*Horoscope not actual size.