Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

Dear Holly,
I’ve got a recurrent condition where I feel a bit sick for a few weeks, then gain loads of weight and experience things like chronic heartburn and piles, then, after about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying. Most annoyingly, I have to take 2 weeks off work to recover, which is inconvenient, to say the least. Do you think I’ve got that Lyme disease or something?
Marissa Mayer
Chief executive, Yahoo!

Dear Marissa,
My Aunty Shona is having a baby. It’s living in her actual tummy just now, swimming in amongst all the pizza and Jaffa cakes and sausages and stuff. When it’s ready to come out it is really painful because it has to go to the liver or the St Pancreas or somewhere to be washed so it doesn’t smell of sick when it comes out and then Aunty Shona has to sit on the toilet and push really really hard like when you’ve eaten too many boiled eggs.
Hope that helps,

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Everyone sad because of photo of thing that’s been happening for months

EVERYONE is sad because a photo has emerged of a thing that has been happening several times a week for months.

It has been confirmed that everyone kind of knew the thing was happening, but now they are very sad and angry because there is a photo of it.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “If only there wasn’t a photo of the thing that’s been happening for months, I wouldn’t have to care about it.

“But, according to the rules, now that there’s a photo of the thing we all kind of knew was happening, something must be done.

“And don’t show me any more photos.”