As if my self-esteem wasn’t already low enough, this morning I open the newspapers and see numerous intrusive and personal photos of me in a range of uncompromising positions laid bare for all to see, taken with some kind of high-powered telephoto lens. And to make matters worse they refer to me as a dwarf! I am not a bloody dwarf, I am just rather little, and all I want is a bit of respect and privacy. What can I do to escape the cruel glare of the media?
The solar system
We did the planets at school last year so I know everything there is to know about astrology. We live on planet Earth which is the best planet because One Direction live on it, but one day we might go and live on Mars because it is made entirely of chocolate. If we go there, our king will probably be Brian Cox because he loves Mars bars. There are some other planets too: Jupiter, Dyson and Vulcan, but they are all too rubbish and inhospitable so only mental Scottish people dare live on them, and there is also a planet called Freddy Mercury which is also known as the big gay planet. Apart from that it is all pretty boring.
Hope that helps,