Even the BNP hates me

Dear Holly,

I am such a git that even the BNP hates me. Is it too late for me to change my ways and be a nicer person? I’d do anything for a friend, provided they are indigenous to the British Isles, of course.

Nick Griffin


Dear Nick,

It’s not nice being a Billy-no-mates. People snigger at your rubbish clothes and in class they call you names behind your back and stick Post-It notes with cartoon willies on you when you’re not looking. At lunchtime you cry into your yoghurt, nobody sits next to you on school trips and your only sort-of-friend is a dinner lady who pities you. But that’s just the price you pay for being a teacher, I suppose.

Hope that helps,


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Sober October deferred until No-Drink November

DRINKERS who vowed not to touch alcohol for one month have decided to delay the pledge for 30 days or so.

After enthusiastically embracing the idea of abstinence throughout October, thousands have now realised that the following month would probably be better.

Sales manager Martin Harper said: “October is not really a good month because of Oktoberfest which, on a cosmic scale, cancels out Sober October.

“In fact it’s best to drink heavily for the time being, what with the promise I’ve made not to touch a single drop during ‘No Drink November’.”

Office worker Eleanor Shaw also swore she would go without drink for a month. However, when she remembered she had children, she realised there was no option but to open a bottle of Pinot Grigio at noon. 

She said: “Actually, I don’t think I’ll be ready by November. I might have to leave it until  ‘Just A Lime And Soda For Me February’.