I am torn between these two lovely cars

Dear Holly,

I’m finding it hard to choose between the Toyota GT86 and the Subaru BRZ because they’re both so similar and there’s not much difference in price. How should I go about helping viewers of Top Gear decide between these two vehicles?

Jeremy Clarkson

Chipping Norton

Dear Jeremy,

At my school we tend to make all critical decisions via children’s folklore and counting rhymes. We also ward off contagious diseases, bad luck and death with cross-keys and use hopscotch to predict the future. Sadly I am not sure there is a skipping rhyme potent enough to cure an ageing, bitter man of his deep-seated personality problems or his fashion sense. 

Hope that helps!


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Queen to live as a horse

THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.

She will spend most of her time standing motionless on all fours, occasionally visiting the stable door so that animal lovers can stroke her nose.

A footman will bring a daily nosebag but her only social interaction will be with horses, the creatures she has always loved the most.

The Queen said: “Those who have observed me over the years will have noticed that the only time I have ever broken into anything resembling a smile is in horse-related circumstances.

I have always envied horses. A horse never had to make small talk with Robert Mugabe, endure the vacuous attentions of gawping sycophants waving stupid little flags or resist the temptation of poking Tony Blair in the eye with a silver toasting fork.

I will always hold my family in a certain regard but if any of them, particularly the eldest boy, try to approach my stables, guards are instructed to shoot them in the kneecaps.

My message is essentially this – if you have fewer than four legs, fuck off.

As for all my money, I shall use it as bedding.