Everything you buy to come with zero-hours contract

ALL consumer goods are to come with a contract for a shitty ‘flexible hours’ job.

The contracts, included in the small print on software use agreements, supermarket loyalty cards and bank accounts, mean that all Britons could be called into work by a range of employers at any time.

Lorry driver Joseph Turner said: “Yesterday at midnight I got a phone call from McDonald’s demanding I come in to do the McMuffins because someone called Jamal was off sick.

“It was a pretty hardcore bollocking so naturally I went in. This morning I am exhausted, very slightly richer and my hair smells of burger.”

Accountant Carolyn Ryan said: “I was woken at 3am by a call telling me to report to a leading nationwide hotel chain, where I am apparently a laundry operative on flexible terms.

“I tried to object, but they said I should’ve read the terms and conditions when I booked that pamper weekend on Groupon.”

The Office of National Statistics admitted being unaware of the scale of the problem because key researchers are doing maternity cover in care homes.

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Comment recommender honoured for services to the internet

A MAN who indiscriminately clicks the ‘recommend’ button on internet comments has been honoured for helping to keep the internet going.

In recognition of his work giving validation to idiots, Malley will be presented with a plaque and a cheque for £200 by the head of the internet, Tim Berners-Lee, at the internet’s headquarters in Ipswich.

Malley said: “To be honest I feel like a bit of a fraud, because I don’t even read most of the comments properly, much less apply critical thinking to them.

“If I did I’d probably get sick of the endless misogyny, totally unfathomable nonsense, unoriginal attempts at humour, UKIP supporters hijacking every fucking thread, and people reposting their own posts as though they weren’t banal toss the first time round.”

Malley will receive his award at a ceremony attended by leading figures from the world of internet debate, including Samantha Brick, Rod Liddle and the women from Vagenda.

Guardian online commenter Mary Fisher said: “If it wasn’t for people like Stephen, I’d have to engage shopkeepers and cafe staff in conversations about vegan cooking and my cats, and I don’t think anyone wants that.

“I have to go now and check how many recommends I got for pointing out that the situation in Ukraine is quite worrying.”