ALL consumer goods are to come with a contract for a shitty ‘flexible hours’ job.
The contracts, included in the small print on software use agreements, supermarket loyalty cards and bank accounts, mean that all Britons could be called into work by a range of employers at any time.
Lorry driver Joseph Turner said: “Yesterday at midnight I got a phone call from McDonald’s demanding I come in to do the McMuffins because someone called Jamal was off sick.
“It was a pretty hardcore bollocking so naturally I went in. This morning I am exhausted, very slightly richer and my hair smells of burger.”
Accountant Carolyn Ryan said: “I was woken at 3am by a call telling me to report to a leading nationwide hotel chain, where I am apparently a laundry operative on flexible terms.
“I tried to object, but they said I should’ve read the terms and conditions when I booked that pamper weekend on Groupon.”
The Office of National Statistics admitted being unaware of the scale of the problem because key researchers are doing maternity cover in care homes.