I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

Dear Holly,

I’m having a rough time at work these days. Everyone bitches about me behind my back and whenever I walk in the room there is a definite atmosphere. I cry myself to sleep most nights.¬†How can I be popular again?

David Cameron


holly2111111Dear David,

All it takes is for you to accidentally follow through during music and movement whilst wearing pale yellow shorts, and before you know it, no-one wants to be your partner in PE and your Kermit lunch box ends up on the roof of the bike sheds. Winning back the respect of your peers is not easy. You’ll probably need to get your mum and dad to buy you an amazing bike and some designer trainers, just to stop people from drawing your head on a penis all over the blackboard every day. Also pretend that your brother is joining One Direction so they show mercy when flushing your head down the toilet. If you lie low, perhaps in several years people will desist from throwing nuggets of dried dog dirt at your head and let you live out the rest of your days with a shred of self-respect.

Hope that helps!