I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

Dear Holly,

I’m having a rough time at work these days. Everyone bitches about me behind my back and whenever I walk in the room there is a definite atmosphere. I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

David Cameron


Dear David,

All it takes is for you to accidentally follow through during music and movement whilst wearing pale yellow shorts, and before you know it, no-one wants to be your partner in PE and your Kermit lunch box ends up on the roof of the bike sheds. Winning back the respect of your peers is not easy. You’ll probably need to get your mum and dad to buy you an amazing bike and some designer trainers, just to stop people from drawing your head on a penis all over the blackboard every day. Also pretend that your brother is joining One Direction so they show mercy when flushing your head down the toilet. If you lie low, perhaps in several years people will desist from throwing nuggets of dried dog dirt at your head and let you live out the rest of your days with a shred of self-respect.

Hope that helps!


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Men in balaclavas offer soothing prospect of war

MEN wearing balaclavas have been making a dreadful situation better.

As nearly all Britons find themselves able to carry on with the peaceful mundanity of their lives, men wearing stupid knitted masks offered Britain the prospect of civil war that it has been yearning for.

Balaclava fan Tom Logan said: “What this country needs now is for everyone to start lobbing petrol bombs around.

“Anyone who cares about England has a duty to set it on fire, or at least smash a bunch of windows.

“Also, stop thinking. Bypass your brain, jump to hate-filled conclusions and let rampant prejudice be your guide.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “History, and also common sense, tells us that in any situation the person whose features are disguised by a stupid hat is not the person you should listen to.

“In fact masks in general, whether tight-fitting on part of a white pointy hat, are a good indicator of insanity, unless it’s Halloween or you’re at an elite fictional orgy.

Muslim father-of-two Rafi Ahmed said: “As far as I’m aware, I’ve got no plans to bring Western civilisation to its knees.

“I’ll probably go to work, come home and eat my tea.”