Idea of female cub scout leader 'is doing Al Qaeda's head in'

JIHADISTS said the idea of a woman being in charge of young males in uniform was driving them crazy.

As cub scout leader Ingrid Loyau-Kennett stood in for the police in Woolwich yesterday, militant Islamists said she was ‘probably a symbol of western depravity, or something’.

Ahmed Tareen, from the Peshawar branch of Al Qaeda, said: “It shows just how low your society has sunk when a woman can be cheeky to a brave jihadist in a public street and then tell young men what to do, as if they were little girls.

“In jihadist philosophy the woggle is a symbol of man’s dominion over woman.

“Then again, if your men were like this I suppose everything might be different.

“I don’t know. I’m really confused now.”

Tareen then sat under a tree for half an hour before adding: “No, I’ve thought about it, and it is clear that this woman is insolent and disgusting.

“And she was wearing what I think you call a ‘body-warmer’. She may as well have been naked. You live in a sewer.”

Tareen then paused and said: “But actually, d’you know what? I could really do with someone as calm and sensible as that in my life.

“It’s fucking mental here. Like, all the time.”

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George Michael 'surprisingly good at parallel parking'

HIGHWAY Code-averse pop star George Michael is a tight, efficient parallel parker, it has emerged.

The Wham! legend, who has a chequered motoring history, was seen reversing his Range Rover into a spot described by onlookers as “tighter than a cat’s arse”.

27-year-old bystander Nikki Hollis said: “We were all like, ‘that’s George Michael, he’s going to fuck it up cos he’ll be off his nut on skunk!’

“Credit where it’s due though, he slotted in it perfectly and his tyres were like an inch from the kerb. Maybe he’s only good at driving in reverse.”