I used a bad word about someone's mum on Twitter

Dear Holly,

I used a bad word about someone’s mum on Twitter and now I’m in hot water. Why can’t I use childish sexist slurs without getting into trouble?

Rio Ferdinand


Dear Rio,

All the boys in my class must be related or live together or something, because they are always talking about how they saw each other’s mother last night, either at Weight Watchers breaking the scales or getting off with Mr Pooley the weird caretaker again. I don’t know how they find time to do all their homework when they are always observing these women. Also it seems very unfair on mums, because when Sarah Spiers’s dad got caught stealing pants off washing lines we had a special assembly where everyone was told never, ever to mention it.

Hope that helps,


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Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Ministers bowed to popular pressure after idiots incessantly used the stupid, glib, fucking irritating term to express fleeting passion for everything from trainers and pulled pork to close relatives’ funeral ceremonies.

A government spokesman said: “Ordinarily, hitting people is considered assault but we are making a special exception because if this issue is not addressed more widespread violence is inevitable.

“It is fine to say you love something. Or hate something. But if you are ‘loving’ something you are a trite bastard.”

Marketing executive Stephen Malley said: “I’m one of those superficial people whose outward puppyish enthusiasm for absolutely everything masks an empty inner life, so I must say I am ‘loving’ this new rule.

“Damn! I am not going to be loving getting a kicking! Or maybe I am, because deep down I hate myself.”

He added: “I am totally loving retro Japanese robot toys at the moment.”