I want to indicate that I will gladly engage in physical intimacy

Dear Holly,

There’s a lady at work who has caught my eye, and I want to indicate to her that I will gladly engage in ‘physical intimacy’ with her. However, it’s tough these days for a man to indicate his affections in the workplace without being pulled up for sexual harassment. How can I subtly tell this woman that I want to feel her body next to mine without being slammed with another restraining order?



holly2111111Dear Bernard,

If you’re after suggestions on how to be tactful, you’ve come to the wrong place. The best thing about being ten-and-three-quarters is that you don’t have to engage with pointless social etiquette. When else in life can you get away with publicly pointing and staring at the morbidly obese? Plus things are so much simpler when it comes to the opposite sex in that Barbie isn’t allowed anywhere near the Millennium Falcon and if she gets caught trying to use it as a beauty salon she’ll be viciously attacked by Spiderman. In other words, boys and girls don’t mix, so give up trying to romance this woman and wipe a massive bogey on her back instead.

Hope that helps,