I want to indicate that I will gladly engage in physical intimacy

Dear Holly,

There’s a lady at work who has caught my eye, and I want to indicate to her that I will gladly engage in ‘physical intimacy’ with her. However, it’s tough these days for a man to indicate his affections in the workplace without being pulled up for sexual harassment. How can I subtly tell this woman that I want to feel her body next to mine without being slammed with another restraining order?



Dear Bernard,

If you’re after suggestions on how to be tactful, you’ve come to the wrong place. The best thing about being ten-and-three-quarters is that you don’t have to engage with pointless social etiquette. When else in life can you get away with publicly pointing and staring at the morbidly obese? Plus things are so much simpler when it comes to the opposite sex in that Barbie isn’t allowed anywhere near the Millennium Falcon and if she gets caught trying to use it as a beauty salon she’ll be viciously attacked by Spiderman. In other words, boys and girls don’t mix, so give up trying to romance this woman and wipe a massive bogey on her back instead.

Hope that helps,


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Office jobs 'much worse' than manual labour

OFFICE jobs are actually more stressful and unpleasant than manual labour, research has revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that while both types of job are essentially horrible, office work is worse because you have to pretend to like it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You need to feign interest in whatever tedious products or services your company is selling, whereas no one is expected to get excited about digging a hole.

“If you work in an office everyone stays late as a sly political move to achieve personal advancement, whereas with manual jobs the culture is to fuck off to the pub at the first opportunity.

“Clearly manual labour is tiring, but so is going to the gym which desk workers have to do after spending eight hours sat on their arses eating Hob Nobs in a vain attempt to fill the emptiness inside.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I do sometimes wonder why I bothered to get a load of qualifications just so that someone can tell me off for not washing up my coffee mug.

“Now I realise why your parents always tell you to do well at school. It’s because they want to keep all the cushy manual jobs for themselves.”