Bilderberg Group meets to decide next season’s hemlines

THE all-powerful Bilderberg Group has met to decide whether the puffball skirt will make a comeback in autumn.

Werewolves could be the new vampires

Werewolves could be the new vampires

Other issues to be discussed by the group, which includes business leaders, powerful politicians and Ed Balls, are whether there should be a Miranda Christmas special and the exact breeds of dog allowed to use the suffix ‘doodle’.

Protestor Tom Booker said: “Every year the world’s most powerful people get together to decide vital issues like the new levels on Angry Birds Seasons and if chandeliers are still happening in suburban living rooms, and every year the public is locked out of the process.

“But we’re the ones who must deal with the consequences. We have to eat the salted caramels, wear the Superdry clothes and watch the Twilight films.”

Bilderberg attendee George Osborne said: “The conspiracy theorists have got it all wrong. We’re not discussing world-changing stuff, like bringing out iPhones in a range of bright colours or Jennifer Lawrence’s secret carbs-on-Tuesdays diet.

“It’s just really boring shit, like the planned collapse of the world economy, the suppression of drugs which can halt the aging process and secret contact with alien civilisations. You wouldn’t be at all interested.

“Oh, and it’s not true about world leaders secretly being seven-foot lizards. Apart from Peter Mandelson obviously.”