Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Recognition at last for your continued custom as the preservation order on your local pub requires that any alterations must include your bar stool.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I’m no employment expert but I’m pretty sure that a job contract can’t include under ‘any other duties’ the requirement to Get yo freak on wit yo line manager.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re going to come back from your year of backpacking a completely different person right now you’re a prick that doesn’t have malaria or a suntan.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I don’t think anyone’s falling for that story where you try fending off a ketchup-bottle-wielding burglar by dropping your trousers and farting at him. Just be honest with the A&E nurse. She’s probably seen it before.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! Shame about the dangly bollocks, though.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your holiday to Mumbai sparks a diplomatic crisis this week as you’re arrested for strolling around dressed as Clive Of India, sticking Post-It notes on everything saying ‘Property of The Queen’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a joll…really? Over 20,000 images on his hard drive? Oh dear.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You have earned a Playstation Network Trophy for Call Of Duty IV: Completely disregard your personal hygiene for an entire week.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can pop as many cherries and umbrellas in it as you want, but your home-made mix of rubbing alcohol and lemon Fairy Liquid is not a ‘cocktail’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After years of setting you targets which are ‘SMART’ (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic & Timely), your boss decides to try some that are DUMB (Deliberately Unachievable, you Miserable Bastard).
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess, apart from a cock that looks like an ostrich’s neck wrapped in raw bacon.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s shittest accountant.