Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Recognition at last for your continued custom as the preservation order on your local pub requires that any alterations must include your bar stool.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I’m no employment expert but I’m pretty sure that a job contract can’t include under ‘any other duties’ the requirement to “Get yo freak on wit yo line manager”.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re going to come back from your year of backpacking a completely different person – right now you’re a prick that doesn’t have malaria or a suntan.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I don’t think anyone’s falling for that story where you try fending off a ketchup-bottle-wielding burglar by dropping your trousers and farting at him. Just be honest with the A&E nurse. She’s probably seen it before.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! Shame about the dangly bollocks, though.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your holiday to Mumbai sparks a diplomatic crisis this week as you’re arrested for strolling around dressed as Clive Of India, sticking Post-It notes on everything saying ‘Property of The Queen’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a joll…really? Over 20,000 images on his hard drive? Oh dear.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You have earned a Playstation Network Trophy for Call Of Duty IV: “Completely disregard your personal hygiene for an entire week”.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can pop as many cherries and umbrellas in it as you want, but your home-made mix of rubbing alcohol and lemon Fairy Liquid is not a ‘cocktail’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After years of setting you targets which are ‘SMART’ (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic & Timely), your boss decides to try some that are DUMB (Deliberately Unachievable, you Miserable Bastard).

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess, apart from a cock that looks like an ostrich’s neck wrapped in raw bacon.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s shittest  accountant.

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Students at top state schools mostly middle class parents

MOST students at desirable state schools are actually middle class parents in disguise as their children.

Head teachers have warned of a worrying increase in parents determined to improve their children’s grades by making them stay home while they attend school in their place.

Teacher Roy Hobbs said: “I asked one mysteriously balding pupil what his favourite TV programme was and he said Minder.

“My class is just a bunch of middle-aged people talking in high-pitched voices and slyly taking business calls on their mobiles.

“It’s hard to prove anything because there’s a risk you might upset a seriously weird-looking kid, but it’s pretty obvious from the amount of pupils excusing themselves from PE with piles and sciatica.”

Parent/pupil Emma Bradford said: “I just want to give my daughter the best possible start in life by pretending to be her while she stays at home and doesn’t go near windows.

“It’s a good system although last Friday I had to go to a ‘spin the bottle’ party and kissed a teenage boy in a cupboard which was a slight moral grey area.”

Educationalist Nikki Hollis said: “Anxious middle class parents need to chill. Exams are overrated and their kids will all end up doing similar shit in reasonably nice offices.”