I’m being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber

Dear Holly,

I’m being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber. I tried to punch him in the face but made a massive arse of myself, and I’ve tried using my conch shell to call for Gandalf and the elves but they’re ignoring me. How can I win back my honour and crush Bieber in the process?

Orlando Bloom

Hollywood

Dear Orlando,

You’ve made an enormous error in letting a younger man make a fool out of you. You need to get the upper hand and show him who is more mature by throwing his school bag in a river and administering an industrial strength wedgie as soon as possible. Then you need to blunt all of his felt tip pens, draw comedy willies all over his World Cup 2014 Panini sticker album and jump on his Millennium Falcon. Only then can you show the world who is the bigger man.

Hope that helps,

Holly