‘I’m like Famke Janssen from X-Men, but slightly more haggard’

Dear Holly,
I keep having these crazy dreams where it’s the future and I’ve got superpowers. As well as X-Ray vision and supersonic hearing, I’m also telepathic. I’m like Famke Janssen from that X-Men film but slightly more haggard. Anyway, I become omniscient ruler of the universe and things are great until the end when I have a threesome with David Cameron and Erich Mielke. Do you think I should lay off the cheese?
Theresa May
Dear Theresa,
Sometimes it’s better not to know what people are saying about you behind your back, because the chances are it’s not very nice. That’s why, if you are a teacher, and you intercept an illicit note being passed around you should just toss it away and NEVER go back to the bin to read it when the class are dismissed because then you will discover that you look like Rolf Harris, your breath smells of bell-ends and you are having a lesbian affair with Mrs Rigby.
Hope that helps!