Thundersnow heralds the coming of the Ninth Demon, admits Met Office

THUNDERSNOW has opened a portal to hell and released the dreaded Ninth Demon, the Met Office has finally admitted.

The UK weather forecaster said that according to its 11th Century manuscripts the demon will be formed from flakes of electrified snow mixed with airplane exhaust fumes and clouds of ancient, evil magic.

Weather forecaster Carol Kirkwood said: “The Ninth Demon is not as bad as the Fourth Demon but much, much worse than the Seventh.

“It will become fully formed just after lunch at which point it will start eating large numbers of people in the West Midlands, before enslaving the women and children of Somerset.

“We have a yellow weather warning in operation which means ‘don’t drive anywhere ever again because of the massive demon’.

“These conditions are likely to last until the government fires a nuclear missile at the demon, or we find a volunteer who is wiling to be sacrificed on the special Met Office altar we have on the roof.”


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It’s not about what you think it’s about, say clever people

WHATEVER the public believe things are about, they are actually about something else entirely, clever people have confirmed.

The clever people also revealed that the situation is a lot more complicated than everybody else is prepared to concede, or can probably imagine

Tom Logan, 37, a clever person who lives in London, said: “It is all about context. This morning I burned some toast. The knee-jerk response would have been to blame the settings on the toaster.

“However, when I put my initial emotional reaction aside, I quickly saw that my toast was part of a much wider global picture.”

He added: “My thoughts turned to the underpaid factory workers of China who had made the toaster, the mainstream media that – to serve the business interests of its paymasters – refuses to draw attention to their plight, the smug complacency of a consumer society that turns a blind eye to totalitarianism in return for cheap consumer goods, and the hypocrisy of western governments.

“Suddenly it was clear to me that while I could in no way condone the actions of the toaster, nor could I blame it for what had happened.

“No, the responsibility for the burning of my toast lies not with my toaster, but with all of us – especially you.”