I’m tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO

Dear Holly,

I’m tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO. Just because I’m a psychotic narcissistic Russian maniac doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. How can I get my own back without causing a full-scale nuclear holocaust?

Vladimir Putin

Moscow

Dear Vladimir,

It’s not nice being the odd one out that everyone gangs up on. When everyone else is wearing Hollister and you are in George at Asda then ostracisation is inevitable. This is all the more reason to tell your mum there is proven scientific research that being forced to wear supermarket clothing in childhood is linked to heavy cocaine usage in later life.

Hope that helps,

Holly