I've been stuck on a stupid vegan diet

Dear Holly,

The wife has put me on a stupid vegan diet until Christmas. I’m pretending it’s ok but I fear I won’t make it much longer without taking a bite from one of her magnificent succulent thighs. Help!


Los Angeles 

Dear Jay-Z,

There’s a girl in my class called Francesca Solomon who is a strict vegan. She’s not allowed to eat any nice things, including Haribo Star Mix, which no doubt makes for a pretty miserable existence. To cheer her up I once invited her round to my granny’s house for tea, which was probably a bad idea because the only food my granny eats comes from animals that have spent their lives in total darkness and then been mercilessly slaughtered. Although granny’s corned beef hash and ox tongue surprise weren’t a massive hit with Francesca, at least the evening ended on a high when granny’s dog Bilko thanked Francesca on behalf of the animal kingdom by forcefully humping her school bag.

Hope that helps,


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Workers' carrot to remain slightly out of reach

GEORGE Osborne has announced that the carrot you want will remain tantalisingly beyond your grasp for a little longer.

The chief vegetable-dangler said: “You can’t have it yet…but soon. Like when you’re 68, or 78, something 8.

“Just a bit more work. A few more years.

“It is a lovely carrot though. Such a deep orange colour.”

Osborne denied that he would keep moving the carrot indefinitely: “You will get it slightly before you die.

“Then it will all have been worth it.”

39-year-old office worker Tom Logan said: “By the time I get this bloody carrot I won’t have any teeth left and will only be able to feebly suck it.”