It's my husband's birthday but he's a miserable git

Dear Holly,

It’s my husband’s 65th birthday and I have no idea what to get the miserable old git. Can you suggest anything (budget approx £15)?



Dear Camilla,

It’s always a challenge to buy a dad-present which doesn’t involve socks, whisky, or Jeremy Clarkson. Have you ever wondered why this is? At first I thought it was down to manipulation of gender preferences by major high street retailers, but it’s not. It’s because when a dad wants a treat, he doesn’t wait for someone else to get it for his birthday or Christmas: he just goes ahead and buys it for himself. While mums live in a permanent state of bitter self-denial, dads lavish gifts upon themselves all year round. So stop feeling bad about buying your husband another pair of rubbish cuff links: the chances are he’s just bought himself an iPad.

Hope that helps!


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Scientists banned from watching Gravity

SCIENTISTS have been banned from watching the film Gravity because they kept ruining it for normal people.

Screenings of the thrilling space adventure had been marred by socially-inept scientists exclaiming loudly about minor inaccuracies of no interest to sane humans.

All UK cinemas have now forbidden anyone with grade B or above for GCSE Science from watching the film.

Cinema manager Tom Logan said: “We had large scientist groups with bad jumpers and weird hair coming in just to pick holes in Gravity.

“Every time there was some obscure physics-related quibble they’d put their hands over their eyes and say things like ‘the Philistines have won’ or ‘in the name of Einstein!’ in exaggerated Tom Baker-esque voices.”

24-year-old Emma Bradford took a scientist on a date to see Gravity: “Instead of putting his hand up my jumper he said things like ‘I’d like to know how Sandra’s decidedly terrestrial underwear is going to process her bodily waste’.

“We went to Pizza Express after and he made explanatory diagrams with olives for satellites and strips of pepper indicating gravitational forces.”

Bradford’s scientist date Julian Cook said: “Hollywood is making a mockery of the fundamental laws of the universe.

“I must highlight that even if it means going home alone, to a milky drink and ten minutes of Babestation, every night until I die.”